Today's Crazy Japanese Action Movie - Machine Girl (2008)

Machine Girl -- she's a girl with a machine gun on her arm. It's not a concept that should lose you in its translation to film. At least I hope not, because with a title and cover art like this, I think the filmmakers gave away the entire plot. If they had named it something like "Happy Fun Time School Girl Action" and just put bullet holes through the words, you'd be wondering what the fuck is going on. But no -- they went the spoilery route, so here we are with Machine Girl, a film about a Japanese schoolgirl who loses her arm in fierce, vengeance-minded combat and gets it replaced with a mini-turret. Alrighty then, sign me up for the next 2 hours, please.




Its George Lucas-sized budget is pushed to the limits within the first 3 minutes of the movie, and it's a good thing, because I don't know if heads being ripped apart by machine gun bullets will ever be shown with more realistic detail. The beginning of the movie isn't really the beginning, though, so I'll skip to where the plot actually starts. Her name's Ami Hyuga, and her brother was killed by some schoolyard bullies. The leader is the son of some yakuza dude, and in Ami's road to vengeance she finds this out and goes after the brutal sons of bitches that murdered her dear, sweet half-retarded brother.





In the process, she also finds out that she sucks at fighting yakuza, and gets chained up and her arm chopped by an anime-looking dude with a sword. I think he was the father of the kid who killed her brother, but whatever.




In her post one-limb state, she comes upon the help of a couple who also have an axe to grind with those dirty pirate yakuzas. There's something in the plot about Ami's family being hated for some reason, but I was too busy staring at her sexy stump to file those facts in my memory banks. Anyways, after some reluctance, they help her out by building her a machine gun that apparently doesn't attach to any of her nerve endings, but somehow still fires on command. Whatever, they convinced me because the guy had drawings of it on paper so it must be logical. So they go on about training her to use her miraculous new weapon of mass killing in the hope of taking down said pirate yakuzas. Some more stuff happens and then they get to the final showdown. I don't remember what happened in between, but it probably wasn't pretty. Ah, yes. Some bits are coming back to me now.




So they get to the final showdown, and guess what? Ami triumphs over dirty pirate yakuzas, and the world is full of sunshine and rainbows again. Or something. She wins, I remember that much. Machine Girl is somewhat of a difficult movie for me to recommend. It wears its aspirations on its sleave, or lack thereof -- sometimes to its benefit, but other times to a fault. The gore, provided by the aforementioned Lucas-sized budget, does what it does. Severed heads are puked on like I showed you above, and there's a fuck-ton of blood and guts all over the place. Not to mention there's a generous amount of Ami up-skirts. I sure as shit demanded that be included, so her white-pantied crotch is one thing I checked off my list. Machine Girl is not something I would plan a week in advance to watch, but if you ever find yourself with nothing to do for a couple of hours, pop it in and marvel at the metal spinning titties of this dirty pirate yakuza chick.

And here's a few minutes of the opening for your viewing pleasure:

I watched it in Japanese, but for my purposes, it's more fun this way.

Movie Review - Sexy Beast (2000)

As much as Don Logan would like this movie to be about him, it isn’t. Throughout his persistent buggering, it’s about the frustration of a man who just wants to be left in peace. The writers of this movie crafted a script so full of venom that it’s initially hard to sympathize with anyone involved. But after the shock wears off, you quickly gravitate towards Gary Dove (Ray Winstone), a “retired” thief who’s had enough of the game and lives a secluded life with his wife, Deedee, in their palatial digs somewhere out in the countryside. Life is great until one day, Don Logan appears like a bull in a china shop and fucks it all up. I’ll get to his character in a bit, but his only goal from the get-go is to convince Gary to pull off one more job. Gary says no, and the rest of the movie is about how his life is made a living hell from the constant vitriol spewed by Don in order to get him to cave and go with him.


There’s not a lot of setup -- be it characters, motivations, or anything of that sort. Gary just wants Don Logan (Ben Kingsley) to get the hell out of his life as quick as possible. But that won’t happen unless he agrees to do the job, which involves drilling a hole underneath some place to steal something. What it is, I have no idea. Sexy Beast is not a heist movie, and it doesn’t bother with any details concerning what they’re after. It’s all about the pressure thrust upon Gary to actually do it, and how he handles himself after he declines the offer. I was expecting to write a much longer review, but that’s pretty much everything this movie is about. The only thing I haven’t talked about at length is Don Logan himself. He deserves a novel dedicated to his character, but it looks like he’ll only get a paragraph or two.


Don Logan is a heist man. What kind, we’ll never gather from the film. All we know is that he’s part of the plan, and for the plan to work Gary needs to be in on it. He flies in to visit him and get him to commit to the project. Don is an incessant asshole who doesn’t take bad news very well. Gary’s refusal sends him into fits of rage, and he’s a truly scary person when he’s pissed. I don’t know if I’d be able to say no to anything he asked of me. But Gary does, and it doesn’t sit well. I wish there was more to say, but that’s really all the movie goes into. There’s only a few locations seen, and most of it takes place in Gary’s home while Don berates him over and over. Speaking of Gary, Ray Winstone turns a character that could easily have been played with little effort into the heart of the movie. I really felt for the guy, and I wanted Don to get the fuck out just as much as he did. For fans of the HBO series Deadwood, Ian McShane makes an appearance in the film, and while he's not a huge part of the story, his scenes are great and he turns in a performace of the calibur you'd expect from him.



Ben Kingsley gives one of those performances that really makes me wish he would do more serious acting. Lately, he’s been in a lot of shit movies, and it’s really sad to watch his career unfold in the manner it has. Bloodrayne? Really? He couldn’t have been paid that much for phoning it in from the airport on the way to the set. I will say that it hasn’t all been horrible of late, though. You Kill Me and Transsiberian are both worthy films that almost allow him to wash the stain of Uwe Boll from his resume. Almost. Once you’ve been in one of his films, it’s pretty much going to haunt you until you die or have radical facial surgery and change your name. Regardless, Don Logan is a character that will endure the test of time and come back twenty years from now to spit in the face of whoever decides to watch him. Nothing I could say would do justice to his douche bagginess, so I’ll end with just a taste of what’s in store when you watch this movie.

The best of 80's fantasy pt. 3- Dragonslayer (1981)

Why is it that Hollywood can seldom get dragons right? They try......and for the most part....fail miserably. I do give some credit to 2002's "Reign of Fire" which shows the fantastical creatures as they should be....mean....nasty....killers. I don't want to see movies about charming dragons that love people and are voiced by Sean Connery...or Rachel Weisz. I want to see the mother of all badass fantasy monsters turning peasants into charred remains with fire and tearing them apart with unholy brute strength. It's sad....but dragon lovers prayers have not been answered since 1981's "Dragonslayer." It's a tale of an ancient terror named Vermithrax....she's a grumpy old bitch so vicious that people maim themselves just to get away from her. She's here to slay.....or be slayed.

The plot has a band of desperate villagers led by a young man named Valerian seeking out the last known sorcerer Ulrich of Craggenmoor (Ralph Richardson). He alone is their only chance to rid the land of the last and oldest dragon. For many decades the kingdom of Urland has been ravaged by Vermithrax and twice a year they offer her virgin daughters chosen by lottery to avoid her wrath. Ulrich is old, but seems to be up to the challenge. The only problem is that King Casiodorus doesn't like this plan and dispatches the captain of his guard Tyrian (John Hallum) to test the old man to see what power...if any...he really has. It's Tyrian's blade vs Ulrich's sorcery....but alas....everyone knows you never bring a wizard to a knife fight and Ulrich is mortally wounded. With Ulrich dead....the villagers have no hope for the future. Enter Galen Bradwarden (Peter Macnicol)....the young sorcerer's apprentice who takes it upon himself to challenge the dragon and the corrupt government of Urland. The task is mighty and only the power of a mystical amulet that he is too inexperienced to use can help him.

The characters in this film are great.....there are plot twists galore (especially when Valerian's true colors are revealed)....and we begin to wonder if Galen actually stands a chance against the villainous Tyrian....not to mention the dragon. Keep a lookout for an early movie appearance from Ian McDiarmid. You might know him as the Emperor Palpatine in the "Star Wars" prequels. Here he has a bit part as a priest that stands against the dragon with nothing but his faith in God to help him. (spoiler...the force is not with him) At first Galen seems like a real whiney shit....but give him time....he eventually rises to the occasion and when his magic fails him...he takes on Vermithrax with one of the most awesome movie weapons ever...the Sicarious Dracorum. (roughly translated....the dragonslayer)

Forging the Sicarious Dracorum AKA the badass spear

The FX were done by ILM and still hold up pretty well in my opinion. They kind of take the "Jaws" approach and don't show you the monster until much later in the story. It works to build suspense and you'll really appreciate it when Vermithrax is finally revealed. I should also mention that this film was co-produced by Disney, but don't be fooled by the PG rating. "Dragonslayer" is dark and bloody as hell....it would definately get a PG-13 today...if not R. Vermithrax must have scared the crap out of movie makers because celluloid dragons have pretty much been pussies ever since.

"flame on" Vermithrax is ready to cook thy nuts...

The best of 80's fantasy part 2 - The Beastmaster (1982)

Yet another classic from my youthful days...whenever this film came on cable...it was like the call of the mythological sirens luring me to my brainless doom. This film flopped at the box office, but had a huge impact on television. TBS aired the film so often that it was dubbed "The Beastmaster channel." Never again in the future of fantasy films will a guy with a sword and a bag of ferrets be so friggin cool!

Directed by Don Coscarelli... (horror buffs know him as the man responsible for the "Phantasm" film series)....it's the tale of Dar (Marc Singer from V the classic alien invasion series) who as an unborn infant...was magically teleported into a cow's uterus by a witch. The plan was to sacrifice Dar so that his father King Zed would have no heir...and the evil priest Maax (pronounced may-axe..and played by Rip Torn) could take power with his ultimate cult of evil. (I guess kings never had secret service protection back in the day) Dar is saved however....and taken in by a bunch of kind villagers. Sounds like the typical fantasy crap right?....Ah....but the plot thickens.

You see...because he was born from a cow's womb...Dar grows up and finds out that he can communicate with all creatures in the animal kingdom telepathically....it doesn't make any sense...but come on...it's fantasy! After years of living peacefully, Dar's village is attacked and destroyed by a race of barbarians known as the Jun-Horde...that wouldn't you know...is controlled by Maax. Dar survives the massacre because the movie would just end if he didn't...and sets out on a quest for revenge and possibly a reclamation of his birth right.

Along the way he befriends a hawk, a couple of ferrets, and a black dyed tiger. Each of them contribute to the smiting of evil. The hawk can scout out miles ahead....and he can link up and see through its eyes. The ferrets can sneak around and steal keys from clueless guards...and the tiger can kill, eat, and shit out on a log anybody dumb enough to fuck with a tiger.

He meets some human allies as well.....the warrior Seth (John Amos from Good Times) and his young friend Tal (nobody special)...who happens to have some family ties with Dar. Throw in sexy red headed Kiri (Tanya Roberts..from that 70's show) who knows how to break into Maax's castle....and you have a youself a nice little fantasy fondue.

This movie had this kind of dark cool vibe to it. Rip Torn was a menacing villain.....there were witches that could walk up walls and turn dudes into evil leather clad S&M zombies by shoving glow worms in their ears. Our heroes also had to deal with the barbarian Jun army and these strange winged monsters who could snare a person...eat them...and crap them out into green foam. All worthy adversaries for Dar to go up against.

Marc Singer does the job well as Dar. He buffed up for the part and has cool 80's feathered hair. Along with his trusty sword and animal companions...he also has this razor boomerang thingy that he tosses around and causes mayhem with....I always wanted one...but they never had them at K-mart.

"The Beastmaster" rises to the cream of the fantasy crop. Easily one of my favorites that I enjoy even as an adult. Don't stick this one in a cow's womb and sacrafice it to your evil diety of choice...it's surprisingly good fantasy fluff!

Movie Review - Downfall (2004)

It's easy for us now to look back at the Second World War and point out how much of an evil, despicable person Adolf Hitler was. So obvious, in fact, that you might find yourself wondering how a man like that could even come into power. If you haven't read a lot of WWII history, it's a hard thing to understand. You look at the state of the world now, with its Kim Jong-Ills and Osama Bin-Ladens, and it seems, for the most part, that there are clearly defined "bad guys." But you should realize that back when Hitler forced his way into power, Germany was in a state of shock. No one knew what the future held, and fear of a continued landslide after WWI was foremost on the minds of its citizens. That's how Hitler was able to get his foot in the door -- by promising to rebuild Germany to its former glory. He was a powerful orator, and his speeches resonated with many, many people who just wanted something to believe in. A lot of these people weren't evil; they were simply mislead by a figure who took his opportunity to mold a frightened country into what he saw fit.


Traudl Junge(Alexandra Maria Lara) was one of those people. She was a secretary of Hitler's, and she accompanied him in the bunker that served as the last holdout of the Nazi party. The film opens with an interview with the real-life Traudl, and in it she expresses her regret for not figuring out Hitler's true motivations and plans. She applied for her secretarial job along with a bunch of other girls who all acted like they were auditioning for a movie role. Their excitement was genuine, but I really don't think these girls knew what the hell was going on. It illustrates the power someone could hold over impressionable youths, cause be damned. All they knew was that Adolf Hitler was an important man -- a man who was going to change the face of Germany forever.


The beginning of the actual film sees Russian troops rapidly closing in on a war-torn Berlin. The Nazis are scrambling, desperately trying to find something they can salvage from their failed attempt at world domination. Some want to negotiate a treaty with the Allied Forces, while others view that as defeat -- something their proud egos would not allow. Hitler was one of those men. While he demanded his armies continue fighting, he nevertheless ordered the evacuation and transfer of their headquarters into his bunker, where he would hold out as long as long as he could. This is where most of the movie takes place; as the war rages outside its walls, Hitler commands what little he has left at his disposal, seemingly unable to see the obvious defeat looming at his doorstep. He barks orders, rages at the incompetence of his commanding officers, and even has a party -- if more than a little subdued -- for his 56th birthday.


And it's in this context you see his madness consuming him. His anger and frustration boil over into uncontrollable rage at times, but he won't allow for any sort of compromise. He bases his command decisions on non-existent troops, and generally acts like the war is still theirs to lose. These are all examples of how this film shows Hitler to be a human being, not the larger than life monster he will forever be known as. He also shows warmth and affection towards others, and you get just a glimpse of why those surrounding him would choose to follow him so blindly.


Among those people was Magda Goebbels, wife to Joseph Goebbels, one of Hitlers closest friends and Reich Minister. After ( spoiler!! ) Hitler's suicide, there's an extremely powerful scene in which she decides the fate of her six children, and the depth of her convictions are made despairingly apparent. Downfall is full of like moments, and I can't help but feel what it was like to be part of their hopelessly lost cause. It's a strange thing to relate to people who committed blatent attrocities, but such is the power of film. I would obviously not consider myself an admirer, but thanks to Oliver Hirschbiegel, I at least have another perspective as to how Hitler wrestled his way into the hearts and minds of so many.


What's that, you ask? Yes, Hirschbiegel did direct the god-awful The Invasion, the latest reincarnation of the classic Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I think it's safe to say most foreign directors make the most out of their talents when making movies in their native countries. Because, wow, The Invasion was a filmic abortion if I ever saw one. Downfall, on the other hand, is worthwhile for anyone who has a remote interest in WWII history, Hitler, or great dramas in general.

The best of 80's fantasy part 1 - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

In the 80's fantasy movies about barbarians wielding huge swords and rescuing scantily clad maidens were all the rage. If I couldn't see them at the theater...then you can be sure that I was staying up late and trying to get a peak at all of them on cable. Some of these movies were actually pretty good...while others were complete crap. I'll try and focus on some of the ones that I remember fondly from the good ole days.....like 1982's "The Sword and the Sorcerer."

While definitely not an amazing film by any stretch....it's still a very entertaining guilty pleasure of the genre. Played mostly for laughs....the plot is about a young Prince named Talon as he quests for vengeance against the evil King Cromwell (Richard Lynch...who has never played a nice guy) the man responsible for the murder of his parents. Cromwell took the throne away from Talon's father by force and has ruled the kingdom with an iron fist ever since. He had a little help from a sorcerer named Xusia (Richard Moll...who played Bull in the sitcom Night Court) who he then double crosses and leaves for dead.

I don't really need to say anything else about plot...because really...who cares. All you need to know is that there are many nude women....and battles galore as the older Talon (Lee Horsely...who the hell knows who he is....I think he had a tv show once) goes after Cromwell with his mighty three bladed sword of doom that shoots its blades at people. In the end...blood is spilled...kingdoms are won....and wenches are pleasured. Unfortunately the DVD is out of print...but hopefully with the recent news that a sequel is being filmed ( Tales of an Ancient Empire...it was promised at the end of the movie) will spark enough interest for a re release.
Check it out and have a glass of fine wine with this cheddar.

Movie Review - Heavenly Creatures (1994)

"I worship the power of these lovely two
With that adoring love known to so few
'Tis indeed a miracle, one must feel,
That two such heavenly creatures are real"

Before I write a review, I always remind myself of my own little cardinal rule: no spoilers. As with anything in life, there are always exceptions to every rule. Heavenly Creatures is one such exception. Knowing the history of events this film is based on won't necessarily grant you any special insights into its subject matter. What I find most intriguing is the fact that everything really happened. These people are real, and the unspeakable act they committed was real.


On June 22nd, 1954, Pauline Parker and Juliet Hulme murdered Pauline's mother, Honora by bludgeoning her to death with a brick stuffed in a stocking. During their murder trial, Pauline's diary was used as evidence against them, and direct quotes were used from the diary in this film(and in the excerpt above).


Heavenly Creatures sticks closely to the facts about the girls' lives leading up to the murder, but Peter Jackson still found a way to keep his unique visual flair intact. And leave it to him to make me laugh by having a man made of clay stab Pauline's therapist through the stomach with a giant sword. By the virtue of the girls' shared fantasies, the film has a dream-like quality at times, and it clashes directly with reality when Pauline(Melanie Lynskey) and Juliet(Kate Winslet) are forced to leave their fantasy worlds. Both girls were sick a lot growing up, and their sicknesses were what initially bonded them together when they met after Juliet transferred into Pauline's school. Their friendship started normally enough, with them playing in the woods and listening to records together. Then they began writing stories -- originally under the guise of a class assignment -- but those fictionalized places and people gradually intertwined with, and eventually consumed, their own lives. Noticing their odd behavior, the girls' parents thought it wise to seperate them, which only served as fuel to their increasingly heated fire. Not able to stand being forced apart, Pauline wrote in her diary a plan to kill her mother and escape with Juliet to America, where they would publish their stories and become famous actresses.

"Both sets of eyes, though different far, hold many mysteries strange
Impassively they watch the race of man decay and change
Hatred burning bright in the brown eyes with enemies for fuel
icy scorn glitters in the gray eyes, contemptuous and cruel
Why are men such fools they will not realize
the wisdom that is hidden behind those strange eyes.

And these wonderful people are you and I."

That's the story in a nutshell, but what I really liked about the film was the way Peter Jackson blended reality with the girls' fantasies. They both liked to make clay sculptures of their imaginary people, and there are several scenes of the girls interacting with the sculptures come to life. I don't know what they used for makeup, but they looked just like life-sized clay people, and it was pretty damn creepy yet cool to see. But then I remember these fantasies were how they coped with their dissatisfaction with life, and eventually led them to plotting and committing murder. I can't say I sympathized with them -- Pauline especially, because at least in the film, her parents seemed like nice, normal people. But the film shows how they perceived things in such a way that I can almost understand why they did what they did. Their grasp of reality deteriorated to the point where their own happiness meant everything, and they saw other people as nothing more than obstacles in their way of attaining it.


While a film could easily be made about the murder and its after-effects, that's not what Peter Jackson was really interested in with this film. I viewed it as a descent into madness, where irrational thought is made rational by a shared delusion of sick minds. While researching the actual events, I learned that Pauline and Juliet only served five years in prison, and Juliet actually went on to become a best-selling author of murder mysteries(under a new name, of course). Like I said, knowing any of these facts isn't required before watching this film. But for film buffs like myself, it makes it that much more interesting.

Movie Review - Near Dark (1987)

Ladies always seem to love the bad boy in town....you know...the one in the rock band...or the guy who has been to jail a couple of times for pedaling dope. It seems that nice guys...do in fact finish last. Caleb is one of those nice guys. He spends his days working on his father's farm and the nights cruising for girls in the streets of the podunk Oklahoma town where his family lives. He's probably one of those guys that would eventually marry the first gal who gives him a friendly glance...have a bunch of kids...and spend the rest of his days on the farm...never to venture too far outside the county lines. But a strange thing happens to Caleb on his way to obscurity.....a beautiful stranger named Mae visits the local DQ on a lonely summer night and turns his world upside down.

In an unusual reversal of roles...Mae is the bad girl....and she just happens to be looking for a strapping nice young man like Caleb. She's not really bad by choice...more by circumstance. The two hook up and all seems to be going well for Caleb. They spend the pre-dawn hours hanging out and flirting nicely, but then Mae gives him a bloody peck on the neck and runs off into the dark. Now things really heat up.....literally! You see...Mae has a supernatural curse that causes her to have an unhealthy appetite for human blood (I guess there's not really a healthy one) and when the sun is out...she'll also catch on fire and explode. By biting Caleb...Mae has bequethed to him this wonderful gift. Now with the morning sun blazing overhead...Caleb suddenly has a burning sensensation worse than any case of clap in recorded history. He stumbles out of his pick up on the way home...body smoldering...his father and sister see him and notice something is not right...but before they can help...he is whisked away from behind in a speeding winnebago. Welcome to your new family Caleb!

Caleb suddenly finds himself in the company of other cursed individuals. There's the leader Jesse (Lance Henrickson)... the leather clad biker type from hell Severen (the great Bill Paxton) and also a mothering figure named Diamondback (Jenette Goldstein...all you need to know is that she was Vasquez in James Cameron's Aliens). Normally they would just kill and eat a guy like Caleb...but they see that the curse is making its way into his body....and for some reason...they don't kill their own.....they just indocrinate them into their motley crew. The curse also keeps a person from aging which is why the little brother of the group Homer (Joshua Miller...he was in River's Edge) never appears to get any older even though he is well into his golden years by human standards. From here on...Caleb needs to learn to live constantly on the run as they do....they are the last of their kind...they are constantly hunted....and their only requirement for nourishment is human flesh and blood. Will Caleb's attraction to Mae motivate him to get up and go along....or will he seek an opportunity to leave the bloodthirsty outlaws and reunite with his father and sister who are in hot pursuit? It's one hell of a ride finding out!

One of the greatest overlooked horror films of the 80's now seems to be finding its stride a couple of decades later. Many viewings on VHS, cable, and now DVD have put "Near Dark" into cult status. It's a horror movie....road movie...western...love story...what more could you ask for in your entertainment? Take notice of the best set piece in the movie that has the gang slaughtering a bunch of rednecks in a dive bar...Bill Paxton chews the scenery and the customers here! There's also a shootout with the cops and an attempt to cure the curse with blood letting...pure genre bliss! Director Kathryn Bigelow never soared higher than with "Near Dark" although I do take guilty pleasure in her greatest movie about bank robbing surfers ever "Point Break."

One of the best things about this film......is that never once do they use the word "vampire" to explain their condition. That's why I never used it in this review.....oh shit...I just did.

Movie Review - Gran Torino (2008)

Gran Torino marks the return of Clint Eastwood. Not that he'd gone anywhere in the last couple of decades, but there's a whole generation of people who don't know Clint like I do. Of all the things one might think of when his name is mentioned, my mind always returns to the same image -- that of a music box. And inside my head, time slows to a crawl. I can hear the softly-sweet melody echoing through its mechanisms, and suddenly I know of nothing else. The rest of the world seems to melt away, and as its cadence begins to slow, I can feel my heart thumping in my chest and my palms beginning to sweat. Because once that music box ceases to lull me into a waking sleep, I know I'm a dead man.


Moments like that, and many others like it, are the reason I've missed Clint Eastwood. Don't get me wrong; he's a very good director, and I enjoy the films he's helmed quite a bit. But ever since Unforgiven, his Western magnum opus, I've been yearning for one last, great Clint movie. That's why I went into Gran Torino with such high hopes. So high, in fact, that it was almost certain I would be disappointed on some level. Yet somehow, Clint knew what I was thinking. He knew what I wanted so badly to see. Even if his exaggerated character has been toned down and, thankfully, made more realistic, you still know the man starring in Gran Torino is not one with whom you want to fuck. That's all I asked of him, and his answer was nothing short of amazing.


From the first shots of Clint sitting around his house, drinking a cold Pabst, you instantly understand his character. Retired and grieving over the recent loss of his wife, Clint's Walt Kowalski just wants to be left alone. Being a Korean war vet, he still harbors demons from his past and resents the gradual influx of Asian communities making a home in what used to be a predominantely white neighborhood. I'll get this out of the way now: this movie contains, bar none, the highest rate of per-sentence racial slurs I've ever heard. And I'll admit it -- I haven't laughed so hard with a drama in quite some time. The distinction here is laughing with, not at it. It's genuinely hilarious to hear him spout every name you could think of for an Asian person, to their face, like it was their first name. But you soon realize he's not a stone-cold racist, and he doesn't hate all Asian people with any imaginable passion. Once he gets to know the people surrounding him, he befriends them, and it's obvious he cares very much for their well-being.



The plot centers around Walt's neighbors and a kid named Thao who's being pressured to join a local gang. Their initiation requires him to steal Walt's prized Gran Torino, and needless to say, Walt isn't having any of that. Subsequently, the kid's family makes him apologize to Walt, and offers him as a worker to do whatever Walt needs done around the house. It's through this arrangement that the two become friends, and Walt decides to stop the gang from ever bothering Thao again. Walt's gradual change in attitude toward Thao and his family is a thing of beauty. No revelation is forced upon him that instantly makes him see anyone in a different light. You simply watch the more human, caring side of him emerge as he becomes closer with the people he spends his days with. But it's in trying to help Thao escape his possible gang involvement that he escalates the situation far beyond what anyone expected. The events that take place from this point on are where you get to see those glimpses of the old Clint. Without spoiling anything, someone's face definately gets beaten to a pulp.


But the most rewarding parts of this film aren't about violence. Instead, they're about the consequences of it. How far would you go to excercise your demons and protect someone you care about? This is a question asked with a deft hand, but the answer shouldn't be pondered until you've experienced everything the film has to offer. Another striking thing I should remark on is the supporting cast. I don't know the details, but it seems that the filmmakers decided to go with non-professional actors to fill out the roles surrounding Clint's. I think it created a sense of gravitas to their performances, and they felt like real people instead of actors playing a part. And there's something to be said for choosing authenticity over polished line readings when the occasion calls for it.


If Clint were to ever win a Best Actor Oscar, it should be for this film. He grunts and growls in typical Clint fashion, but underneath he displays the subtle emotions necessary to give a firmly believable and heart-felt performance. And with the film opening wide at the top of the box office, it's clear I'm not the only Clint Eastwood fan left in the world. Does he, at 78, still have room for one more great, shining moment? Clint knows your question.


And you shouldn't have to ask.

Movie Review - The Wrestler (2008)

I have a confession to make...I used to be a huge fan of professional wrestling. Growing up as a child in the 80's my heroes were all speedo clad gladiators with names like Hercules or Macho Man, and every week in front of nationally televised audiences....they would enter the squared circle and battle their most despised foes. Some were good guys...some were villains...all were "characters" with larger than life personalities and bodies to match (I'm sure the steroids helped). They played out the most manly of soap operas for the screaming fans who cheered them to legendary heights. Darren Aronofsky's "The Wrestler" is the tale of a warrior whose greatest match will not be with some guy in silly tights...but with the very legend that he created.

Mickey Rourke is Randy "The Ram" Robinson...and during his career as a professional wrestler....he has been to the top of the mountain. His physical exploits would sell out arenas all over America and his mug adorned action figures, t-shirts, and video games. He had it all...fame...fortune...and groupies to boot. But nothing lasts forever...and over the years Randy's stock has fallen to the bottom of the wrestling barrel.

Fighting for chump change at local gymnasiums and VFW halls, he barely makes enough to rent a shit hole trailer where he lives in Jersey. Randy works out every day...keeps his hair bleached blonde...and has his fake tan applied all in the name of keeping the legend of "The Ram" alive for the few fans that still care. We never really find out what happened to his fortune, but an addiction to pain killers and other illegal substances required to sustain the body of a man who still wrestles in his fifties probably had something to do with it. Ram doesn't have many friends other than a few local kids and an aging stripper named Cassidy (Marisa Tomei) that he visits regularly as a paying customer. He also has a daughter that he abandoned years ago who wants nothing to do with him. Randy basically carves out a lonely brutal existence from day to day...and I do mean brutal!

You can say wrestling is fake...and if by fake you mean that the choreography and outcome of the matches are all pre-determined....then you are correct. But realize that from the most elite pro-wrestling organizations on down to the lesser known ones...these guys beat the hell out one another for the sport they love. Randy participates in an extreme match that involves bitch slapping, barbed wire, ladders, and staple guns...yes you heard that last one correctly! It's bloody as hell and will have you squirming in your chair. After this match....he suffers a massive heart attack that nearly kills him. The aftermath of his bout with death suddenly takes the center stage.

The legend is over...but the man remains standing. The doctors tell him his wrestling days are done and continuing would be suicide. Can Randy live out his days as a normal person? You wonder if he has a chance at a real intimate relationship. Cassidy typically views him only as a customer, but she knows they also have a lot in common. As a stripper...she is getting too old to play her "character" of seductress to younger men. What does a man whose only skill is pounding other men senselessly do to earn a living? Cassidy suggests a reconciliation with his daughter might help ease the burden, but will she welcome him back into her life? From this point, Randy needs to make a choice....be the man....or be "The Ram." The choice isn't easy. A reunion match with an old nemesis presents an opportunity to regain lost glory and a hefty payday. The legend is over.....but not dead.

This is now my favorite Mickey Rourke role. He kind of has a strange real life parallel with "The Ram." Once considered one of the most attractive talents in Hollywood....his career took a downturn after a flirtation with professional boxing and a bad facelift. It's great to see him give a heartfelt performance that will be sure to send him back to A-list status. If you are a fan of Aronofsky's "Requiem for a Dream" but disappointed by "The Fountain".....fear not....because "The Wrestler" will give you plenty of reasons to....BE EXCITED.....BE....BE....EXCITED!

Movie Review - Contempt (1963)

"'The cinema,' said André Bazin, 'substitutes for our gaze a world more in harmony with our desires.' Contempt is a story of that world."

This quote is recited to us during the opening of Contempt, a film by the oft-heralded Jean-luc Godard. We are meant to be shown an intertwining of reality and what we wish was real. If wishes were in the business of coming to life, this would be a great work of biting criticism of writers, film itself, and the way we interact with each other. In reality, I don't know what the fuck I just watched.


I'll be up front with the fact I didn't make it to the end of this film. The events that transpire in the last 20 minutes will never be known to me, unless I decide to masochistically view it for the sake of my readership. What I can comment on, however, is the hour and twenty minutes I had the privilege of yawning through watching. I understand the concept of blending fact and fiction. I get that sometimes the best way to illustrate a point is to use a film as a giant metaphor. Other movies have done this much better. But the characters in this film are bi-polar. I could never tell what parts of their dialogue were fact and what was meant to make a larger point.


During one scene that starts off normal enough, the couple who Godard tries to pass off as the main characters in the film are talking on a boat. A few seconds go by, and then we see the camera filming them. We see the set, complete with a director, assistants and film equipment. It's all well and good if I understand what Godard's going for, but I don't know if I'm watching the actors in the film play themselves acting in this movie, or I'm supposed to think their life is the movie. Or something. At this point, the film makes no fucking sense and I just don't give a shit anymore. If Godard really wanted to condemn the film industry for not having the creative balls to make high art, then way to go, jackass. You made a shitty high art film that makes me want to watch The Mummy Returns instead.

This is the scene where Brigitte Bardot wonders where the fuck her movie went.

Requiring the audience to work to understand the full meaning of your film is a noble cause. Making fun of them for doing so isn't. It's Godard's version of pretentiousness that leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and if I didn't know better, a distorted view of French New Wave. But before you lambaste me for not understanding French cinema, I should point out that I watch a lot of fucking movies. Louis Malle's body of work is loads more interesting than anything Godard could muster, and Malle's films have more depth and meaning without resorting to mind-fuckery to express it. There's a world of difference betwen the two, and I prefer an intelligent, well thought out script over a director playing peek-a-boo with whoever's unlucky enough to get stuck in a theater showing his blight on society.


And you should know that I didn't write this review. I only played the part of the reviewer who had to waste a whole night throwing up in his mouth while watching Godard take a shit on his fans. Skip this movie unless you just want to see Brigitte Bardot's naked ass a lot. That might sound tempting, but trust me, it's not worth the effort. Here, I just saved you two hours.

Movie Review - My Bodyguard (1980)

Call it a right of passage...at some point in a kid's life..they will inevitably deal with the school yard bully. It can be one of the most terrible times during youthful years...if you tell a teacher...you get beat worse...if you tell your parents...they tell the teacher...you get beat worse...! Thou shalt not tell on thy fellow peer is the LAW of the playground and cannot be broken lest ye be labled with the dreaded monicker of tatty-tale! More often than not...a kid has to deal with sleepless nights and that ever looming Monday morning smackdown that is just the beginning of another long week in the trenches. But, there will come a time when a kid has to make a choice.....they can sit there and take it...or do something about it...one of those decisions will shape their personalities forever and echo into adulthood. I made that choice once years ago..I'm sure my kids will too one day. This is a film about the choice made by Clifford Peache.

Clifford is the new kid in town and comes from a privileged background. His father is the manager of a posh Hotel in downtown Chicago and they live a good life. Cliffy has a great relationship with his family..especially his eccentric grandmother played by the late great Ruth Gordon. He's not an asshole rich kid, but rather just a nice guy trying to fit in and make friends at his new high school.

All goes well on his first day until he crosses paths with Melvin Moody (a young Matt Dillon) and his gang of loyal cronies. Moody is king shit of the school and everyone knows that to walk the halls unscathed...you pay him protection money. Protection from what exactly? From Moody of course, but he tells everyone that he is protecting their asses from Ricky Linderman (Firefly's Adam Baldwin) an oversized teen who roams the school alone and possibly carries a murderous chip on his shoulder. What is poor Cliffy to do...? Pay Moody extortion...or risk meeting Linderman in a dark alley somewhere? The choice is brilliant.

Cliffy knows that the whole school..including Moody...is mortified of Linderman. Instead of paying moody...he decides to befriend Linderman and offer to pay him to be his bodyguard. The only problem with this plan is that Ricky doesn't want any friends..nor does he want to be someone's bodyguard. Cliffy warms him over though his sheer will and perserverance...and they strike up a great friendship as well as striking back at Moody's gang. The twist comes when Moody decides to retaliate and get his own bodyguard to go after Linderman!! Now what?!!!

This sets up an epic showdown of Rocky-esque proportions that will have you cheering in the end.

All in all this is a great family film from the 80's. It's an underdog's tale...and it's hard to not root for Cliffy and Ricky as they team up and triumph over adversity. It's a film about family...friends...and that time in a person's life when it's OK to choose to fight. Oh yeah..what choice did I make?.....I beat the shit out of my school yard bully with a wooden stick..and do I feel bad about it..?...Not a damn bit!

Movie Review - The Foul King (2000)

Wrestling. It's not high-minded, folks. Kim Ji-woon, the director of practically everything awesome to come out of South Korea in the last ten years, knows this. He didn't set out to create a genre masterpiece showcasing the incredible athleticism of professional wrestlers. Instead, he wanted to show how one man, through sheer determination and will, could wear tights in a public place and grope grown men in intimate embraces for the love of the sport.


Dae-Ho(Song Kang-ho) is pretty much a big fucking loser. He works some shitty office job that he's always late for, he lives with his dad, and he's generally just not a good people person. After we watch him get kicked around by everyone for a while, he stumbles across a crap hole of a wrestling gym. Inside the gym looks to be a crap hole of a wrestling coach, who promptly boots him out. The coach doesn't like him, but afterward he's told by some shady characters that they need a wrestler, and all of a sudden Dae-Ho becomes part of their wrestling team or whatever.

They all suck at wrestling if you ask me, but I guess there aren't too many people in Korea willing to drive around the country getting the shit kicked out of them. It's minor league, so I'll give them a break. Dae-Ho travels around with them doing show after show, and he thinks everything is great. He wrestles at night, and in the morning continues to suck ass at his job. But he's so focused on wrestling he doesn't seem to care anymore. So everything is great, I guess, except that all the shows are leading up to one super giant fuck awesome show where Dae-Ho is supposed to lose. I understand wrestling is fake, and the outcomes are all staged, thank you. But the way his character was pitched to him, Dae-Ho should win by cheating. I don't care how big a name the dude he's supposed to eventually fight is -- if you cheat in wrestling, you win. I mean just look at the refs, they're usually too busy humping the floor to notice whole teams of wrestlers entering the ring to pound each other in the balls.


Anyways, we're treated to a lot of Dae-Ho and his comrades in non-buff arms practicing and rehearsing their moves. His progression as a wrestler is quite evident, even though I think he was better than the rest of the group to begin with. Except for when he almost murdered a man with a fork. That could have been handled better. Besides that, though, you almost think he could win. You get the feeling it's not supposed to happen, but hey, you're watching a Korean wrestling movie so what the fuck do you know?


I can tell you that Song Kang-ho knows more than you, for one. In fact, he does all his own stunts. Every single one, and they're all awesome. For example, there's a great scene where he's impersonating Elvis and he does a back flip off the top buckle then kicks a guy in the chest.

That's probably the best bit of stunt work he does until the end, but I still think it's cool that he does it all himself.

Early on in the film, Dae-Ho gets chased down and beat to hell by some local pussy gang. You know they're a pussy gang because once Dae-Ho learns a few wrestling moves, he swiftly puts them all in an arm lock and makes them eat shit. Not literally, unfortunately, but still a lot of the movie is about Dae-Ho improving his life, and repaying those fuckers that broke his cell phone is one way he goes about it. As he gets into better and better shape, he's able to confront some other demons that haunt him on a regular basis, but I'll save those for when you watch the film. It's great, trust me.


As far as his opposition goes, you never even catch a glimpse of him until the end, and he's only casually mentioned throughout the entire film. You know his name is Yu Bee-ho, but that's about it. It's not like Rocky, where there is a clear antagonist to hate. In The Foul King, Dae-Ho's greatest enemy is himself. Maybe that's to fool you into thinking that Yu Bee-ho is just some pansy that Dae-Ho could wipe the floor with. Maybe not. Maybe Dae-Ho becomes the greatest Korean wrestler in the history of Korean wrestling. Maybe not. The end of the movie is quite lengthy(in a good way) but I won't say one word about it.

He does get pissed at this point.

The greatest thing about this film is not the wrestling. It's a film about slightly dysfunctional people that happens to have some bad ass wrestling thrown in for good measure. Every time something genuinely cool happens, it takes you by suprise because most of the time the people on display here are quite inept. And I mean inept in the Homer Simpson way, so it's endearing. Once you've spent any amount of time with these characters, you want to see them succeed. Or, if nothing else, you just want to see what the fuck Yu Bee-ho looks like. Either way, the point is for you to watch this film, so if you watch only one South Korean wrestling movie this whole year, make sure it's this one.

Movie Review - The Legend of Hell House (1973)

I have always loved a good haunted house movie. Ever since "Poltergeist" made me squirt in my fruit of the looms at the local twin cinema...I was hooked. These days I can't think of a recent ghost film that requires me to launder my shorts afterwards...with extra bleach. In a day and age when terrible CG seems to dominate over story or character..(did you see Jan De Bont's gaaawwd awwful Haunting re-make?...ugh) it's nice to know that we can still make the hairs tingle on the backs of our necks with a spookfest like 1973's "The Legend of Hell House" starring Roddy McDowall.

British director John Hough had to have been one of the most versatile directors working in the 70's and 80's. He worked with Disney making such child friendly fare as "Escape to Witch Mountain"...and "Watcher in the Woods", but he could also rev up a high octane car chase movie like 1974's "Dirty Mary and Crazy Larry" arguably the best in the car chase genre. Sadly his career hasn't really panned out over the years...he ventured into sci-fi with the 1986 "Biggles: Adventures in Time" and direct to video crap like 1988's "Howling IV." Then he fell completely off the map. Maybe he's retired and living a happy life somewhere..and that's fine because I'll always know he was the man responsible for films that I hold near and dear to my heart and "The Legend of Hell House" is certainly one of those films.

Roddy McDowall plays a psychic sent with a team of paranormal investigators to the Belasco Mansion which as they say in the film is "the Mount Everest of Haunted Houses." Roddy's character was the sole survivor of the last team sent to investigate the ghostly shenanigans of former owner Emeric Belasco whose evil spirit wreaks havoc upon all who dare cross the threshold of his estate. I guess the opportunity for a huge payday is too tempting..and Roddy is back at the house for his second round with the sinister spectre.

Character wise you have the scientist who thinks that there simply must be a logical explanation for the unusual happenings at the mansion. There's a spiritualist who thinks she can help restless ghosts finally cross over into eternal slumber. Finally, the scientist's wife is tagging along just for shits and giggles...and you know nothing good will happen to her! Roddy is THE star of the show. He's the one who knows that the bodies AND souls of his teamates are in serious peril unless he can unlock the mysteries of Hell House and vanquish Belasco.

Earlier I spoke of fancy special effects. Here you will find that the filmakers have a few tricks up their sleeves (like a dinner scene rudely interrupted by an unwelcome spirit), but for the most part...it's a pretty conservative effort. They wisely chose to let the actors carry the story and the viewer's imagination can fill in the blanks. I always found that not knowing exactly what was under my bed at night as a child...was scarier than actually taking a look!

In the end, "Hell House" is a great little flick that is deserving of your time on a dark and stormy night. They don't make em like this anymore...2002's "Darkness" comes close....but that's a tale of fright for another day....enjoy!

Movie Review - Dirty Pretty Things (2002)

I'm not an immigrant. I was born in America, and I've only been out of the country twice. My view of the world has always been in the context that I'm a citizen of the United States of America. I have a home that I have the legal right to own. I have a job that the government takes money out of my paycheck every week to pay my taxes with. This is important, because whatever your situation is, I urge you to go into this movie in with a frame of mind that allows you to realize your place in the world. What if you had none? How would you like to work in a sweatshop? Would you still consider yourself a moral person and act accordingly?

I imagine it's like this in every major metropolitan city, but according to this film, being an immigrant in London- legal or illegal - is a hard way of life. Without becoming a proper citizen, the best you could hope for is a steady menial job that pays cash. There are all kinds of people that populate this world -- some have principles, some don't. Okwe (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and Senay (Audrey Tautou) do. Sure, they clean up your shit(or internal organs) and fold your towels, but they don't seem to have any contempt for anyone or loathe the world they live in. it's obvious Okwe gets frustrated at times, but who wouldn't? He works -- if I'm remembering all of them -- two jobs. During the day he drives a taxi under a fake name, and at night he works the front desk for a ritzy hotel's midnight shift -- the same hotel where Senay labors as a maid.


It's not detailed in the film, but one would assume they met each other while on duty, and at some point decided to live together. Now, I don't know how immigration laws function in England, but for whatever reason, Senay is able to live there but not work. Okwe, on the other hand, isn't even supposed to be there. He's like a ghost, without an identity or any sense of belonging. His presence leads immigration to frequent Senay's apartment on reports that someone else is living with her, which understandably puts a strain on both of them.


Things start turning from bad to shit-end of the turd stick when Okwe has to clean a hotel suite one night, and in doing so, finds a human heart plugged up in the toilet. Why the fuck would there be a human heart in the toilet? That's a good question, but no one has the answer. Until he does a little digging, that is. What he finds will significantly change the way both he and Senay are able to live their lives. Suffice it to say that it includes sleeping in a morgue, organ "donating," and dick biting.


What makes the film so moving is that despite everything happening to them, Okwe and Senay still find enough compassion to see each other through the shitstorm that is their lives. If it were me, I probably would have said fuck it and dissapeared at the first sign of danger. Not that I'm a selfish prick or anything, but I just think it takes a certain kind of person to face adversity head on and try to kick its ass. Those are the kind of people you root for in this film, and they are its defining quality.


I'll never look at a cab driver the same way again.







And for my next review, I'll remove my serious face and tackle The Foul King. It's the greatest thing you've never seen.