Han Solo vs. Greedo. Yea, Some of You Are Retarded.

Peter Cushing is awesome. Anyways...

...George Lucas is a fat douche who doesn't know his own films' lore. Why, you ask? Ah, let me tell you. You know that whole "Han shot first" bullshit? Yea, well, as it turns out, there's no other explanation. Observe the original theatrical release of Star Wars:

This is called murder.

Oh, what's this? Lucas decided to care about "the children" and re-edit the film? Hey, guess what? FUCK YOU George Lucas. Your bullshit will not go un-called:

This is the Lucas version of photoshopping.

That's just about the worst shit I've ever seen in my life. Not only are the lazer shots horribly, horribly forced, but we all have to endure the ugliest digital manipulation known to man. Lucas just moved Harrison Ford's head like 6 inches to the left, regardless of what he was dodging. Even if his head never moved, Greedo's AWFUL FUCKING AIM would have never got anywhere close to his head. Either Greedo is the worst bounty hunter with a rubber face mask to ever hit the galaxy, or George Lucas sucks at rewriting history. Hmmm, which one is more plausible? Fuck you, George Lucas.

Burning skeletons taste like chicken.

If Lucas was really concerned with the children, he might have considered taking out the part where Luke's aunt/uncle was burned to a crisp and lying face-first in the dirt. Dental records might help identify the body, but the 8-year-old watching the film might still have a problem. FUCK YOU, GEORGE LUCAS.

Hey, heads are awesome.

Like, decapitated ones. Or, at least that's what Luke Skywalker thinks. What better scene to show the kiddies than Luke cutting off the head of Darth Vader, only to then reveal his own face under the helmet that inexplicably explodes? Fun for the whole family.

Jabba, schmabba.

Why, this being a family film and all, it should have all kinds of wondrous sights, right? Ah, yes, here's one: the frozen body of Han Solo; stuck in place for all eternity so that Jabba the Hut can have a living room decoration. It's laugh-out-loud hilarious.

I also failed to show the whole rancor bit, plus the part where Luke, Han, Lando and Chewy throw a whole bunch of people to their disgusting and detestable deaths, being slowly digested alive by a giant worm. AWESOME.

Pictured: Lucas being a contrarian tool. Harrison is not digging the man-titties.

An Exercise in Layers - The Shining (1980)

I'm not going to be so bold as to "review" The Shining. That would be stupid and a waste of time. Instead, I just want to briefly explain why I think it's the greatest horror movie ever filmed. OK, that's obviously not just as bold as reviewing it. Whatever, it's my blog.

For one, The Shining succeeds doing so many things that most horror movies absolutely fail at. It puts believable characters in extraordinary circumstances and gives them room to breathe. It's also not afraid to set the mood by ratcheting up the tension only to have no short-term payoff. There's no exposition of any real meaning, and the story is told from a sort of detached perspective. By that, I mean the film isn't told through any one person's eyes; it's like the camera is simply in the right place at the right time. Pretty much everyone in the film is flawed in some way, but those flaws aren't ever used as a contrivance to advance the plot, or as a bullshit convenience to make some ridiculous event more plausible.

To put it the most succinct as possible, I'm saying The Shining is perfect. You don't think so? It must suck to be wrong all the time. There's nothing that can be improved upon in any meaningful fashion; no director's cut, no deleted scenes, and no commentary could elaborate on events in the film without taking away something integral to the experience. It's as good as any fictional piece of entertainment is going to get. I titled this entry An Exercise in Layers for good reason, and, as an obvious fan of hyperbole, I'll add that no horror film will ever surpass what The Shining has accomplished.

The obvious first layer is the film's visual style. In typical Kubrick fashion, a lot of scenes are very tight and angular, giving off a claustrophobic sense of dread and foreboding. Even before the shit hits the fan, Jack's interview is uncomfortable and slightly off-putting. Basically, the film establishes strictly by visual means that nothing good is going to come of the situation these people are in. This same style permeates every shot, and the tension that slowly builds throughout is due to the mostly odd framing and striking visual cues. Nothing has done it better since, and I highly doubt anything ever will.

The second layer has to do with the characters themselves. Right from the get-go, Jack Torrance is pretty obviously a scumbag. He never quite seems genuine in his interactions with other people, and he's outed as an alcoholic, abusive prick before the story even gets going. Wendy, on the other hand, is the sweetest person alive, but why does she stay with someone like that? She could be a saint, but her decision to continue to allow herself and her son to be around someone like Jack doesn't make me very sympathetic to her cause. She may be a victim, but at least in the film, she's never made out to be the kind of person that would defend herself. Her rationalization of Jack dislocating their son's arm is, "it's the kind of thing that a parent does a thousand times to their child...". That's the most bullshit excuse I've ever heard. The only person that deserves sympathy in that family is Danny, simply because he has no say over his situation. So, it's in these character flaws, which are never sugar-coated or dismissed as a small part of the whole, that The Shining is able to deliver genuine horror over a scary good time.

The third, and arguably the most important layer, is the fact that the unexplained stays relatively unexplained. In a lot of horror films, there's inevitably a scene where an all-knowing or extremely wise and experienced character gets to sit down and lay out the who, what, where, when and why of literally everything that's been going on. And while there are plenty of guilty films that I still love, I can't help but call bullshit on that narrative choice. It's a cheap cop-out that gives the writer/s and director a way to make sense of things that shouldn't necessarily be explainable. In most cases, once every facet of a horrific story is laid out on the table, plain as day, its impact is dramatically lessened. Oh, the murders were all done by the guy who got killed in that building fire 20 years ago. Ah, yes, it was the Devil himself who was possessing that serial killer all along, and he was recruiting a shit-load of minions to do his dirty work. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those pesky kids and a dog named Scooby Doo. I think you get my drift, anyways.

The Shining, on the other hand, allows the dread to slowly ratchet up by giving clues as to the nature of what's happening, but never fully explaining it. There's a choice bit of dialogue by Jack before he goes completely bat-shit insane, followed by a photograph at the end that gives a bit of insight as to the nature of the hotel and what it does to people, but it's all speculation as far as I'm concerned. The film perfectly balances need-to-know plot points with a vagueness that allows the fear to hold firm, and it's all done in a single setting with only a handful of people in complete isolation.

So, yea, The Shining is pretty fucking good, in case you haven't figured it out yet. On a totally unrelated note, I saw the Nightmare on Elm Street remake. What a pile of shit; I want my five bucks back.

The top 5 high school evil dicks

Not long ago I was watching a completely dreadful "Karate Kid" rip off called "Never Back Down", but instead of the bully and his friends knowing karate, they knew MMA because kids today don't have the attention span to be satisfied with just one martial art. Anyways, the bad kid was such an evil dick that I wondered how this guy had any friends to begin with. What exactly is the appeal of the evil dick? Sometimes evil dick's parents have a lot of money so perhaps he draws kids from middle to lower income families hoping to receive some spoils of the spoiled. Aside from the challenge of earning and keeping friends, I'd like to know what exactly motivates evil dick to be evil? Maybe a childhood trauma subconsciously causes him to exhibit externalized evil dick behavior. Who knows, but if it weren't for evil dick in the movies, we wouldn't be able to root for the underdog who constantly suffers from his evil dickery. Here are my top five high school evil dicks on film. They happen to all be from 80's movies because that decade is vintage stomping ground for evil dicks.

Court Martial, My Ass.

Apologies for geeking out on everyone, but I just thought I'd share some thoughts on a Star Trek: TOS episode. Season 1, episode 20 entitled Court Martial, to be exact. I watch so much Star Trek , and GPS does plan on attending a convention one of these days. I also happen to have an original-style Captain's shirt. What are you looking at?

Honestly, my gripes are valid for this episode. Look, I get that you have to take pretty much everything put forth in that series with a huge grain of salt. I really do. Yet and still, this shit is ridiculous. The episode is about the Enterprise encountering a particularly nasty ion storm in which a crew member was ejected out into space by Kirk. Of course, ejecting crew members into space isn't at the top of Kirk's to-do list. Why, then, as the episode title suggests, is he under court martial? Well, the controversy surrounds his decision to jettison this dude during an ion storm. You know, come to think of it, I don't even really know why he had to be let go. The storm was fucking the ship up, and I think the guy was still out in his shuttle craft. The danger eventually became too great for Kirk to risk bringing him in or something, so the guy in the shuttle craft had to be sacrificed for the good of the Enterprise.

Ok, so far (ambiguous plot withstanding) I'm with the episode. Sounds pretty cut-and-dry to me. Ah, but this is Star Trek: TOS we're talking about. Something bizarre and ridiculous has to happen. So, at this point, Kirk has to give his report to star base 11 about just what the fuck happened during the ion storm. In his report, he says he released the dude's pod AFTER he signaled red alert, and only at the last possible moment. But somehow the ship's log has Kirk releasing the pod BEFORE red alert. Big difference. But why would Kirk do that? Of course, the dude he left to space-death has hated Kirk ever since he found a fuck-up of his so many years ago. Kirk reported the fuck-up and, subsequently, the dude's career never took off like he thought it would. So...does Kirk secretly hate the guy for having such a stupid grudge on him? What do you think? OF COURSE NOT. But hey, most of the fun of these kinds of episodes comes from the "how" not the "why".

Random hot picture of Uhura. I miss the skirts.

Unfortunately, the "how" is fucking retarded. First off, Kirk is court martialed, which means he'll stand trial. Alright. But here's a kicker: the prosecution is a former flame of his. Shocking, I know. I think it's required that every Earth colony have one in the population. But my first thought was, "Wait a minute. Doesn't that present a gigantic conflict of interest?" I mean, if you're the sole prosecutor but the defendant is a lover of yours, well...I dunno. I'm not a lawyer, but I would find it pretty damn hard to give my all to convicting someone I have/had lovey-dovey feelings for. Guilty: conflict of interest, at least according to me. So that's the first problem, but far from the most frustrating.

The most frustrating comes when the trial is in session. Somehow, the prosecution procures video from the incident that clearly shows Kirk releasing the dude's pod before red alert is initiated. This poses two conundrums in my mind: 1) Since the video is obviously wrong, how can that be altered? We're going on 1960s logic here, where there was no such thing as Photoshop, let alone complex video editing software. If there was video, there was video. This goes unexplained as the truth unfolds, and it's just dumb. How can recorded video that's supposedly unalterable be totally inaccurate? 2) It's pretty clear when Kirk and his lawyer see the video being played back that they've never seen it before. Can you guess my next objection? Yes, this evidence should have been inadmissible. There's a reason you can't just submit evidence on the fly without both counsels being given time to review and prepare their case. That's cause for immediate objection, in this case, on the side of the defense, and the judge would also immediately agree and throw the evidence right out. Case closed, but not in Star Trek: TOS. Instead, both Kirk and his lawyer stare dumbstruck at the video, and then continue to say that they can't refute what the computer has logged. Umm, yes you can. "We were never given this evidence, your honor. I object to the prosecution using inadmissible evidence and ask that the court strike it from the record." Oh, well, I guess Kirk's highly sought-after lawyer hadn't come across this kind of thing before. Or he's a fucking moron. One or the other.

Here, Spock is pictured while puzzling out the mysteries of the universe. Bones is thinking "Dammit, Spock, I'm a doctor not a space-chess player."

My other, more minor objection comes at the (sort of) expense of Spock. He has to resort to giving a demonstration to the court detailing how he can beat the computer at chess five times, when the best result should be a stale-mate. So, you're telling me that in the 24th century, one would have to physically show a game of chess between the Enterprise's on-board computer and a Vulcan to demonstrate that computers can be fallible? Fuck off. That still doesn't explain how the video was altered to look like Kirk hit the button before the red alert was triggered. If the video was altered, wouldn't they be able to figure that little tid-bit out? Yes, like I said, we're dealing with a show made in the '60s which was way before any schmuck could make his own Bigfoot discovery video. Still, even armed with that knowledge, this shit is a tough sell.

I've devoted more time than I initially planned to on this shit, so I'll just end with a challenge. For all you hardcore Trekkies out there, riddle me this:

How was the video forged?

Why was Kirk's lawyer so fucking incompetent?

How did Finney, who hid himself from the Enterprise's sensors, STILL evade the sensors when he re-boarded the ship? They would know right away when he came back aboard.

FUCK YOU IF YOU THINK YOU'RE SMARTER THAN LOGIC. You're rationalizing, and Spock himself would punch you in the face.

This trailer is shall we say.......KICK-ASS!

April 16th cannot get here soon enough!!!!!!


Kick-Ass

Trailer Park | MySpace Video

Get ready to KICK-ASS!!!

I'm usually not so uber-geeky that I get excited over movie posters, but these have me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. If you are not familiar with the Kick-Ass property, then let's review. It's a comic book by Mark Millar (of Wanted fame) about a guy with no powers or skills that wants to be a superhero. He dons a disguise, a couple of sticks, and patrols the streets with the intention of smiting evil. Things don't initially go well for this rookie crime fighter and he is almost killed during his first outing. It's a normal world inhabited by costumed heros, villains, and an 11 year old girl that has uncanny skills with a samurai sword. The film will be brought to us in 2010 by Matthew Vaughn (04's Layer Cake) so be excited..........be very excited!!!

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time Trailer

Man, I knew this day was fast approaching, but I hadn't properly steeled myself for it. Honestly, I don't know how I feel about this trailer yet, having only watched it once. It didn't fill my heart with wonder and amazement, but it didn't turn it to stone, either. I did notice a few instances of re-enacting the game mechanics, which could be cool. I'll watch it a few more times and let it grow on/spread like a plague over me.

[adding...] Ok, I watched it again. They're trying too hard with the witty banter, the CG looks impressive, and parts of it look too much like a movie based on a game. Still, Mike Newell is directing, so score one point for the film. We'll see.


Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time in HD

Trailer Park | MySpace Video

Zod Kitchens.

The CREEPS invade your home.....October 27th!

The good news is the DVD and Blu ray is here, the bad news is that it took too damn long for this absolute gem of 80's horror to find its place in my movie library. Fred Dekker's 1986 cult classic "Night of the Creeps" is a delicious blend of zombie, B grade sci-fi, and slasher film love with an extra slice of velveeta thrown in for shits and giggles. This release is absolute paradise for fans of the flick with a bevy of extras including commentaries, cast reunion, and too many others to mention. How many times have you bought a DVD of an older movie and the special features boasted amazing things like interactive menu, or widescreen format? Geeks unite.......this one's for you! All I can say is that on October 27th...."THRILL ME!"

He's like the wind.....Swayze 1952-2009

Throughout the 80's and early 90's, Patrick Swayze was one of the biggest stars in Hollywood. In later years his popularity waned, but we will always remember him for being an extremely charismatic actor that left us some truly memorable entertainment on the big screen. Here are some of the films that I feel best represent his impact.

The Outsiders

If you were a teenager during this decade, then you no doubt saw him in 1983's "The Outsiders" playing Darrel the oldest of three brothers struggling to keep his family together after the death of their parents. He didn't have the biggest part in the story, but Outsiders was more of an ensemble piece anyways with guys like Matt Dillon, Emilio Estevez, Rob Lowe, and blink or you'll miss him Tom Cruise all contributing to what is still a fantastic film.

Red Dawn

In 1984 he played a former high school football star turned guerrilla in "Red Dawn." I remember Dawn for being one of the first PG-13 movies. It's a violent tale of kids rebelling against a Russian invasion of the U.S. that seems outdated now a days, but if you just consider it a "what if" story, it still holds up as a fine action film. I hear rumblings that it's going to be re-made, and that means that it will probably suck. Why tarnish the classic image of C. Thomas Howell standing on the hill with his AK-47 shouting out the name of their school mascot.........."WOLVERINES!"

Road House

One of my favorite guilty pleasures of his era was 1989's "Road house." A total redneck fest that reminded us of simpler times when men wore mullets and settled their differences with their fists instead of guns. Swayze plays Dalton, the all wise uber-bouncer who is hired to clean up a shit hole bar and maintain the peace so the local hillbillies can booze it up in peace. Throw in Sam Elliot as the older wiser mentor and you have youself a knucklebusting good ole time! Who can forget that final duel between Dalton and Evil-neck? Evil-neck has Dalton seemingly down for the count and delivers one of the greatest machismo bad guy taunts ever......."I used to fuck guys like you in prison"......classic! Swayze retaliates and delivers one of the great all time bad buy dispatches with the deadly throat rip........double classic! See the fight for yourself and suck in all that testosterone bitch!

Ghost

So basically the guys responsible for "Airplane" and "The Naked Gun" were going to make a romantic supernatural thriller starring Swayze and Demi Moore? I questioned whether Jerry Zucker was the right director for this, but all of my doubts were quickly dispatched when I saw the final product. 1990's "Ghost" was a great date movie almost guaranteed to get you laid afterwards. Swayze plays Sam Wheat, a man who is murdered and must track down his killer from beyond the grave. This movie had a little bit of everything going for it. Whoopi Goldberg provided a lot of laughs, Demi provided hotness, and Tony Goldwyn was a great bad guy. There's a reason this film made over half a billion dollars in world wide box office, it's that frigging good.

Point Break

Another action role and Swayze delivered again with 1991's "Point Break." As Bodi, the surfer turned bank robber, it was great to see him switch roles and play the villain of the piece instead of the hero. Bodi was an adrenaline junkie who enjoyed taking his friends and enemies to the edge of death and back. When he finds out that Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves) is an undercover F.B.I. agent on his tail, he gets an even bigger rush out of the cat and mouse game that ensues. Action fans can catch the waves and really hang 10 with this one!


I know.......I know........I failed to mention "Dirty Dancing," but clever people will see reference to that in the title of the post. With the passing of Patrick, we lost another great entertainer whose body of work remains to make us smile for years to come. "the love inside you.........take it with you!".........Sam Wheat

Michael Keaton: THE Best Batman on film.....period.

I know that at this point in Batman's cinematic life we are all supposed to be creaming our pants becauase of what Nolan has done to re-invent the franchise. Nothing wrong with that at all, he made two damn fine movies and in the case of "The Dark Knight" I'd easily say that it is one of the greatest sequels ever made hands down. Now having said that, and given myself a little time and distance from the Nolan-verse, I decided to go back and revisit Tim Burton's take on Gotham City and the freaks who inhabit its dark alleys. I came to two conclusions. The first being that the 1989 "Batman" is still an amazing movie (also my favorite Batman movie)and can be looked back upon as the first dark super hero tale brought to the silver screen. The second is that Michael Keaton is, was, and always will be my favorite Batman.

Not very many people (myself included) thought that Mr. Mom and Beetlejuice would be a good choice to don the cowl and patrol the rooftops of Gotham. I remember hearing about the casting choice pre-internet days and thoughts of the campy tv series immediately popped into my head. But the moment you saw him kicking the shit out of a couple of low lifes......Keaton vanished.......there was only Batman and the immediate realization that this was the moment the Dark Knight was born on film.

The evidence is actually pretty overwhelming in Keaton's favor. I know Clooney and Kilmer had their time, but I don't even count those turd-biscuit films so it boils down to a contest between Bale and Keaton. It's kind of like the old who is a better James Bond debate. A lot of actors played that role, but it usually ends up being an argument about Connery or Moore. (Moore please thank you) So in the argument for Keaton we must simply let the facts make the case.

The first thing that I notice is that Bale's Batman though he is a trained ninja, is kind of a pussy. I'm not sure where Batbale's code of never killing the bad guy came from, but it sucks balls. When Keaton was cornered, he had no trouble shoving a timebomb down a guys pants.....dropping a hoodlum several stories down to his doom.....or incinerating some schmuck dumb enough to stand behind the batmobile's jet engine. Bale actually saves the Joker....fuck that. Keaton had no problem bat-roping the Joker's leg to a gargoyle and letting him fall to his death. Winner.......Keaton

The next thing that concerns me is the voice of Batman. It seems that a lot of people are really bothered by what Bale does with his personification. It's like he's trying too hard to talk like a badass. One can argue that Batman is a separate personality so the voice should be noticibly different than Bruce Wayne's. I have also heard that in post production they intentionally mucked with Bale's voice to make it even angrier sounding. The fact that people notice this at all is a strike against Batbale. When I go back and listen to Keaton....I only hear Batman. I know that he is doing something different with his voice......but it doesn't stand out. I have never heard anybody complain about what Keaton did with the bat-vocals. Winner.......Keaton again.

suttle......yet effective

overkill perhaps???? you be the judge.

Now let's talk about poon-tang for a bit. I know Batbale is seen a few times scoring hot models and dancers, but as far as hooking a righteous....intelligent....gorgeous piece of ass with possible relationship implications, we again cannot ignore the facts. Katie Holmes while cute with her puppy dog eyes.......does not stand a chance against 80's era goddess Kim Basinger. No argument attempted or allowed. In TDK it's a different actress, same character, same outcome. I think Maggie Gyllenhaal is a fine actress. Not super hot or anything, but attractive nonetheless. Bale doesn't even bed the wench in the film so that should make him the loser from the get go right? Wrong. The reason Batbale loses here is because nothing they could have done would have been hotter than Michelle Pfeiffer in the dominatrix catsuit licking Batman's face......meow!
Winner.......Keaton by a landslide!

Bow before the goddess!





Pfeiffer....just all kinds of delicious naughty!

As far as Bruce Wayne goes, they are being portrayed in two different points in their lives. Bale is a younger cockier man while Keaton is older and wiser so it's difficult to say one is actually better than the other here. I like what both actors do. Winner.........it's a draw.

Overall each actor brings a unique approach to the table, perhaps nostalgia kicks in a little and makes me biased towards Keaton, but Bale is a new comtemporary Batman and I very much look forward to another outing with him donning the tights. If they were to ever adapt Frank Miller's "The Dark Knight Returns" into a movie......I would drool at the prospect of an older Keaton bringing the tale of a retired Batman to the screen! Now lets talk Joker...the best one is definately........ah hell....that's a whole another post!!!!

WTF!!!!?????? Big Man Japan trailer

If you have ever had any type of appreciation for the Godzilla destroys Tokyo flicks.........give this a serious look.

Tron Legacy Comic-Con '09 Trailer, and My Shat Pants.

Tron.

First off, here's the trailer for the original. I'm just going to take one from YouTube since this isn't where I want to spend the bulk of my time with this post. Scoff all you want, but I still love the effects and the whole look of the film. It's trippy and bizarre, and there's really nothing else like it.





If you were born in the 90's, I could possibly forgive you for never seeing the original. But if you're around 20 or so and you still haven't seen it, well....I guess I don't like you very much. Sorry.

This year's San Diego Comic-Con made my night a little more special; the long-awaited sequel to the 1982 sci-fi masterpiece(You say it's dated? I don't like you either) is shortly on its way, and we have the concept teaser trailer for your viewing pleasure. Behold:

Kick ass, I know.

I feel I have to apologize for the image quality. Disney is mother-and-cub-like protective of IP, and it's hard as hell to get HD video of this trailer without being a major website. But I think it does the job as it is, and also you should stop complaining.

New JeeJa Yanin trailer - Raging Phoenix

For those of you who don't know the name JeeJa Yanin, she's the star of the film right below this post. Chocolate was her film debut, and Raging Phoenix is apparently her follow-up to that great bit of bad-assery. So brace yourselves for some more knee-to-face-then-face-into-wooden-crate-then-pass-out happening sometime this year.

The 10 Virtues of Rambo III

Rambo III isn't the greatest 80's action movie ever, but you know what? It's pretty damn good for a generic bit of ridiculousness. And compared to Rambo II, it's a goddamn masterpiece. But my goal here isn't to review the movie; that's not necessary at this point. So what I'm going to do instead is tell you about the virtues of Rambo III, complete with video guides to make sure the action hero in your next movie knows what he's supposed to do. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

The 10 Virtues of Rambo III

1) When pit-fighting, always be honorable.

Rambo has integrity...unlike all you other filthy Thai fighters out there.

2) First Blood is over. So is Rambo's war.

Don't expect to win Rambo's heart over within the first 15 minutes of the movie, Colonel.

3) Seeing/helping oppressed civilians.

Yep. Rambo gets some of these guys out of a bind. With a grenade launcher.

4) Fitting in with native cultures.

The Afghans just didn't know how good Rambo was at picking dead animals up while galloping on horseback.

5) Heroic music while carrying a child away from danger.

As it turns out, Chow Yun-Fat doesn't have the monopoly on this sort of thing.

6) Epic clothesline.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting it, which makes it even better.

7) Running away from exploding things.

Well, did you think there weren't exploding things to run away from in this movie?

8) Grenade arrows.

Regular old arrows are for pussies.

9) Rewarding death of a large enemy combatant.

It's like Indiana Jones, only more graphic and with larger muscles.

10) Helicopter vs. tank.

Machine on machine action. And yes, the screaming helps with momentum. Can you guess who lives?

So there you have it - the 10 virtues of Rambo III. I hope you learned something, because everything you need to know about action movies is right there in front of you. You can decide the quality; I'm just saying that Rambo III can be used as a template if you so choose. If not, then at least go watch the whole thing and ponder with me why the Russians wear those fur hats of theirs in an Afghan desert.

Near Dark double dip DVD can BITE ME!!!!!

Not cool cover....cool movie

I guess I can understand why they would do this.....but come on......really!!!???? One of the very cooooooolest vampire movies ever to never utter the word vampire does not need to market itself for a DVD re-release to make itself look like Twilight. For one thing, Caleb never even looks like that in the movie with the pale skin and stupid eyes....he just looks human the whole time except for when he takes sunlight damage. Another thing.....Twilight is not worthy to scratch the nut hairs of Kathryn Bigelow's classic outlaw tale! I guess if it makes more people check it out I should be ok with it..............but it still pisses me off!!!!

Not cool movie

Now if you are a hardcore movie dork like me and you want to track down this masterpiece of 80's vampire flicks........go for the version released by Anchor Bay. Nuff said!

Cool cover cool DVD cool movie

The O.G. "Public Enemies" of cinema's past

It seems a bit unusual to have a depression era gangster flick like "Public Enemies" making its debut during a season usually dominated by Optimus Prime and Captain Kirk, but I'll take a huge helping of Michael Mann cops and robbers any time it's offered to me and gladly ask for seconds. As "Enemies" hits screens to mostly positive buzz, I thought I'd look back at some of Hollywood's "original gangstas" and their exploits that have influenced filmmakers for several generations of celluloid crime.

The term "Public Enemy" was coined back in 1930 by the chairman of the Chicago crime commision to publicly denounce guys like Al Capone and other infamous gangsters of the era. Later, J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI used it when they named various fugitives they were tracking down. Guys like Dillinger, Baby Face Nelson, and Bonnie & Clyde were all outlaws that made this famous list during what became known as "The Public Enemy Era." There is no doubt about it....these were THE bad guys that the law had to bring down for being a blight on society. For some strange reason, people love the stories about bad boys and eventually, Tinseltown would be all too eager to oblige.

The Public Enemy (1931)

Back in the day, this guy defined cinema bad-assery. James Cagney was his name and he was not the man with whom to fuck. Just ask his nagging girlfriend how she likes her grapefruit. Named after the era it represents "The Public Enemy" is the story of Tom Powers, as he makes his way to the top......and eventually the bottom of the bootlegging underworld. This was one of the first pictures to attempt to portray the mob world in a realistic fashion. They didn't glorify it, and they wanted audiences to know that "crime does not pay!" The main character meets his fate in what can still be considered by today's standards somewhat grisly fashion. Just thinking about the last scene gives me chills.

a fistful of fruit for the whiney woman...

Angels With Dirty Faces (1938)

Don't let the silly name fool you. This film is as endearing as it is tragic. Cagney takes center stage again this time as the former gangster Rocky Sullivan. Rocky has been in prison for several years and after being released, decides to finally walk the straight path. He gets a little help from his best friend and former thug turned priest Father Connolly.( played by real life pal
Pat O' Brien) Unfortunately, an old nemesis (none other than Humphrey Bogart) who owes Rocky some money turns up and makes it difficult for him to adjust to life outside of prison. Throw in the comedy stylings of the Dead End Kids, and you have yourself a stick of pure movie dynamite!

White Heat (1949)

Yes, Cagney makes the list for the third time in a row. His wallet is the one that actually says "Bad Mother Fucker" not Sam Jackson's!!!! Cagney took a break from the tough guy roles to prove he could do other things. He won an Oscar as the singing dancing playwright George M. Cohan in the 1942 musical "Yankee Doodle Dandy," but everybody really just wanted to see him come back and kick some ass again.........did he ever.

Cody Jarret is not a nice man. He steals, has no problem murdering his own crew or anybody else that pisses him off, and the only woman he loves is his mother. After Jarret goes to prison, the police send in an undercover agent posing as his cellmate to find out who on the outside launders his cash because if they get that guy....it will go a long way into shutting down the whole ring. We get jailbreaks, double crosses, and a truly explosive ending that will have you screaming....."made it ma.....top of the world!!!!!!!"

Bonnie and Clyde (1967)

What can you say.......but.....Faye.....Faye....Dunaway! She was a knockout in this picture, and combined with the talents of Warren Beatty and a young Gene Hackman......you have yourself one of the very best the genre has to offer. It's a tale of young lovers who blaze a path of robbery and murder across the midwest and into the history books as they inevitably meet their bullet riddled destiny. At the time, the violence in this film was quite jarring. "The Public Enemy" tried to show mob life in a realistic way...."Bonnie & Clyde" showed what those bullets actually do when they hit their mark and critics were not initially impressed. Time has been kind to "Bonnie" and it's still a hell of a film. It marked a change in filmmaking style. No longer would a guy just get shot and fall down.......we'd get to see those exploding squibs in all their gooey glory! Contemporary Hollywood gunfights owe a huge debt to "Bonnie & Clyde." Clyde Barrow just wanted to be remembered.....well.....believe me Clyde........we remember.

Taking of Pelham One Two Three

I was aware that the June 12th release of Denzel Washington and John Travolta action-fest "The Taking of Pelham One Two Three" was in fact a remake. I had never seen the 1974 original until by chance it was on one of my cable channels and it hooked me in big time! Walter Matthau plays a transit cop in charge of taking down the men responsible for hijacking a subway car and demanding a one million dollar ransom for the passengers on board. The main baddie is played by the late great Robert Shaw and it goes without saying......he's awesome in the flick. I'm not going into a full throttle review of this one, but I will say to check it out if you can.



The first thing you'll notice if you are a Tarantino fan is that the bad guys refer to themselves as Mr. Green, Mr. Blue, and so on....hmmmmmmmm....does that sound familiar? No disrespect to Quentin, I just thought it was neat to be able to connect the dots to his tribute in "Dogs." It was also interesting seeing Matthau playing the action guy role, and his portrayal of Lieutenant Garber sits right next to Coach Buttermaker as my favorite Walter performance.



I am curious to see if the Tony Scott remake will keep the playful tone of the first one. Judging by the trailers it seems to be going for a more serious balls to the wall action approach. I do think that sometimes film stories need to be re-told for new audiences to appreciate. There's no doubt that the old "Pelham" still packs quite a cinematic punch....it's just that it may be hard to convince a younger generation of movie goers to check out a movie with two dead lead actors they have never heard of. Sad but true. I am anxious to see what Scott can do so he will definately be holding my ten bucks for ransom this summer.

The NeverEnding Story Remake, and My Newfound Hatred of Life.

It’s no secret: I complain a lot about remakes, and rightly so, I think. But a lot of the time, I’m more opposed to the general principle of remaking a film instead of the quality of the original film itself. However, the news of The NeverEnding Story possibly being remade has re-ignited my inner nerd rage to previously unseen heights. Let me make this as crystal-clear as I possibly can: YOU DON’T FUCKING REMAKE THE NEVERENDING STORY, YOU FUCKING EVIL ASSHOLES. I mean, what improvements could conceivably be made? It sure as shit doesn’t have to do with the dark material (I haven’t read the book, and I never plan on doing so), and the animatronics are, to this day, fucking awesome.

I'm not sure how you can get any more amazing-looking than this.

The story is just beginning.

The NeverEnding Story is one of my all-time favorite fantasy movies, and I watched it a shit-ton as a kid. It excited me, it scared the holy hell out of me, and it was breathtaking in every possible way. The story has a really, really dark element to it, and every time I would watch it, I was totally creeped the fuck out by the Nothing. G’mork, on the other hand, wasn’t just creepy – he genuinely scared me. But it wasn’t all horror, all the time. Quite the opposite, actually. There are a lot of wondrous elements to the film, including the snail racing, the rock biter, and, of fucking course, Falkor the luck dragon. Let’s stop here for a moment, and ponder how these characters would most likely be treated in a remake. My best guess puts animatronics out of the question, and with it one of the most striking aspects of the film. The visuals have stayed with me since the first time I saw it in the late 80s, and just from taking these screen caps, it’s obvious it wasn’t my retarded child-mind turning shitty special effects into something more awesome. Every fantastical creature in this film still looks goddamn impressive, and using CGI for the new versions will instantly deflate any lasting impression they might have had otherwise. I mean, seriously - a CGI Falkor? Kindly get the fuck out of my face with that horeshit nonsense. And I bet Atreyu will look like Prince Caspian, Bastian will be obnoxious as hell, and I’ll end up wanting to punch him in his face. Dammit, I’m getting pissed just thinking about this.

This is what animatronics you don't fuck with look like. You know...good.

If you saw the film as a kid, these glowing eyes should be enough to make you check your pants.

Have you ever wondered why there haven’t been too many quality family films recently? It’s because they’ve taken out everything that made those movies great for the whole family, and now simply cater to the 10-and-under crowd. I did enjoy Matthew Vaughn’s last film, Stardust, but that’s about it. Golden Compass was alright, but holy shit – neither of these films are a hair on The NeverEnding Story’s humongous nutsack. Since when do family films have to just be for children? Look at this list and weep: The NeverEnding Story, Labyrinth, Legend, Dragonslayer, The Dark Crystal, Return to Oz (yes), and The Princess Bride. All from the 80s, and all fan-fucking-tastic. So my question to Hollywood is this: what have you done for me lately? Remaking one of the greatest fantasy films ever isn’t going to qualify, so fuck you. On a side note, the production company in talks to do The NeverEnding Story is also apparently planning to rape Akira by doing a live-action remake. Puke.

If you’ve never seen The NeverEnding Story, I envy you. You still get to experience it for the first time, and I couldn’t be more adamant that you should do it as soon as possible. Just looking at the DVD cover makes me want to call in to work tomorrow and have an all-80s fantasy day. I would dress up and shit, too – a robe and a wand should be enough, I think. Even if you suck and wouldn’t do the same, you still need to buy this movie and watch the shit out of it. It’ll amaze you every time.



There are so many great moments in The NeverEnding Story, and I thought it worth including a screen-dump of some of my favorite parts:

The duel Sphinxes, and a place I don't want to have to pass through.

That shit all over the screen? It's called atmosphere. Look it up.

A really creepy, yet cool scene where two destinies meet.

Another one of the many memorable characters. He'll probably be totally fucked up and retarded if this remake gets green-lit. Enter ANGRY NERD RAGE.

/end rage.

Anime Afterthoughts - Satoshi Kon, Round 2

In this, round 2 of my Satoshi Kon retrospective, I’ll be talking about two more of his feature films: Tokyo Godfathers and Millennium Actress. They’re both vastly different from the films I talked about in Round 1, but the overall quality and care is as present as ever. So enough with my blabbing, and let’s get on to the films themselves.

Tokyo Godfathers

Tokyo Godfathers is thematically much more straightforward than either of the previous films I talked about, Paprika and Perfect Blue. Where both Paprika and Perfect Blue dealt with altered perceptions of reality, this time Satoshi Kon went for a more traditional tale in the way the story unfolds. Hana, Gin and Miyuki are three homeless people who start the film off scrounging around for food and whatever else they can find in a trash heap. Besides an assortment of old books and the like, they stumble upon an abandoned baby in a basket. Hana decides to raise the baby herself, much to the protests of Gin and Miyuki. After all, how could some homeless people, who can barely take care of themselves, raise a baby? That’s a good question, and one that she ponders until she comes to her senses and starts to track down the parents of the unwanted infant. The three set off on their journey with barely a clue, and little chance of finding the baby’s maternal parents. Along the way, we gradually find out how each of them came to be in the position life has put them in, and it’s in these discoveries that Tokyo Godfathers really shines.

I really cared for Hana, Gin and Miyuki, and once again found myself lauding Satoshi Kon as a director capable of telling stories that rival that of any live action film. There’s no melodrama; in fact, the story is rather simple. But within the confines of the plot are three separate, but very moving accounts of how a person’s life can be rendered useless, only to be redeemed by a chance occurrence and, possibly, some kind of divine intervention. The emotional investment here is really high, and it’s a rare thing to occur in an animated movie, at least for me. Often times, action or visuals make up the most important bits of anime, but with Tokyo Godfathers, the characters are the most important part of the film. It’s heartwarming, funny and sad all at once, and pretty much a perfect blend of every kind of emotion one could hope to experience in a drama. You’ll have to excuse the narrator in the trailer below – he kind of sucks, but what can you do. Just forget he’s there and it’ll do just fine.

Millennium Actress

Like Tokyo Godfathers, Millennium Actress is a dramatic character piece. The story is about a film crew that goes to interview Chiyoko, a retired actress who, in her later years, has lived in seclusion in her mountain home, seldomly entertaining any visitors. What starts as just an interview turns into a deep reflection on Chiyoko’s life, and how a single moment early on defined how she lived. The film shares a similar theme with Tokyo Godfathers, in that chance coincidences can have deeper meanings and make lasting impacts on peoples’ lives. The bulk of the film plays out as two parallel stories – that of the movies Chiyoko played in, and her actual life. The two narratives intertwine and play off of each other to create a single over-arching story, and Chiyoko’s life is shown to have been defined by something simple, yet immensely important from her past.

The main interviewer also has a part in Chiyoko’s past, and as she tells the story of her life, the film crew is seen actively taking part in her tale. They physically interact with Chiyoko in the past, and their interactions carry over into the present. Maybe they were just acting out her past during the interview, but whichever way you choose to interpret it, it’s a really unique and interesting way to give perspective to the story. Millennium Actress is an emotional film, and Chiyoko’s struggles and aspirations are always at the forefront of every situation. As is customary with every Satoshi Kon film, the animation is beautiful, and the locations are as much a part of the film as the story. I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but Kon really knows how to engage the viewer in every aspect of storytelling, and Millennium Actress is no exception. Devoting a lifetime to finding one person, no matter the obstacles, takes a kind of determination that is usually not realistically sustainable. The film explores that very theme, and the notion of chasing a shadow is shared by more than one person. Millennium Actress is a moving depiction of life’s pursuits, and how those pursuits dictate the person you ultimately become. Again, the trailer is below, with – of course – crappy American narration. Yippy.

Well, that about does it for my Satoshi Kon retrospective, and leaves me with only one more creation of his to explore. The serial anime Paranoia Agent is all that’s left for me to talk about, and I’ll get around to it eventually. It’s kind of hard to get a hold of, so I’m not sure when that will be. But if you want to get started watching his work, any one of his films will do the trick. I honestly can’t recommend one over another, as they’re all exceptional for vastly different reasons. Just pick one and go from there. And when you do, I hope you take away at least a fraction of what I did from the emotional journeys he lays out for you to experience.