Just some super slasher love for some other movie killers!

Our favorite goalie mask sporting killer is back (or back to the beginning) for another round of naked teen evisceration and I hear it's actually getting some decent reviews. In honor of the big V man's triumphant return, I decided to compose a list and give props to some of the other guys that the slasher genre has produced over the years. It's just a showcase of some of my favorite movie fiends in no particular order.........enjoy!

Michael Rooker (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer 1986)

Rooker plays the titular character based on real life serial killer Henry Lee Lucas. Kind of like the Dark Knight's Joker, he has no motivation.......he just kills for shits and giggles. Henry and his roomate Otis take you on a murder and rape rollercoaster ride that will make you feel absolutely disgusted with yourself for watching. The most frightening thing about Henry is that we know there are sick bastards like this prowling our neighborhoods and sizing up their next victims.

Michael Rooker as Henry

Sid Haig (Captain Spaulding- 1000 Corpses and Devil's Rejects)

They cannot be reasoned with, and due to insane amounts of crystal meth, they cannot feel pain. They are rednecks and they frighten the dog-shit out of me. If you have ever been to an off the beaten path gas station in the turd-hole deep south, you might know what I am talking about. There are people out there with no hair, no teeth, and no realization that the civil war is over just waiting to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. People like Captain Spaulding. Just buy your fucking gas and leave.......don't eat his chicken.....don't use the toilet.......just hold your water and piss on the side of the road. If pay at the pump is available..........it is highly recommended. Nuff said!

gas station guy + clown makeup = might be a redneck

Bill Moseley (Otis B. Driftwood- 1000 Corpses and Devil's Rejects)

As if clown makeup wearing gas pumping rednecks wasn't enough, they also breed. Otis B. Driftwood is the son of Sir Captain Spaulding, and this guy is a chip right off the ole southern block. I actually have nightmares about this guy and the things that he is capable of. Catch him in a good mood and he may only blow the brains out the back of your head with a gun. But if he's feeling rather pissed off and playful, he's more likely to skin your face off with a knife while you are still alive and wear it for the rest of the day. He also sleeps with dead cheerleaders, and not even Dateline's Chris Hansen could come up with a show to catch this predator. He is the devil....and he's here to do the devil's work.

Don't fuck with Otis

Bill Moseley (Chop Top-Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 1986)

Another southern fried creation courtesy of Bill Moseley. What can I say about Chop-Top? He's a Vietnam vet with a metal plate in his head. He likes to scrape the flesh around the plate with a coat hanger........cook for a few seconds with his trusty bic lighter.....then wah lah! He gets a tasty treat that's fun to eat. If a self cannibalizing psycho who will beat your head in with a hammer doesn't scare you, then maybe the fact that Leatherface is his brother will!

Lick my plate you dog dick!

? (as potato sack Jason-Friday the 13th Part II 1981)

Who really gives a shit about which actor plays Jason? He never has any lines anyways. Potato sack Jason gets a mention for being the first time he truly had the camp to himself. Plus at this point in the series, he was still human. So when last one alive girl kicks him in the balls......amazingly.....he goes down. Everybody loves the hockey mask, but I prefer the sack! My only question is what kind of dumb shit only cuts out one eyehole in his potato sack psycho mask? He would have much better teen stalking vision with two. Idiot!

for future reference, 2 eyes are better than 1

Beatrice Dalle (La Femme-Inside 2007)

If you have not seen "Inside" then shame on the muther-fuckin-you! Don't ever call yourself a horror fan again. La Femme takes the Michael Meyers approach skulking in the shadows while waiting for the perfect moment to strike. She doesn't really want to kill her prey.......she just wants to cut a nine month pregnant mother's baby out of her womb, and if she dies as a result.......bonus.

Yes.....this is a woman

? (monster- The Funhouse 1981)

The only thing creepier than rednecks are redneck carnival people. I have no sympathy whatsoever for the dumb fuck teens in this flick who decide it would be a great idea to spend the night hiding in a carnie funhouse. In case you have not been following since the beginning of the list.....lets review. 1) Rednecks are scary. 2) They often breed. Now another thing you have to know is that rednecks often breed with members of their own family. This results in the inbred redneck man monster that terrorizes the kids in the funhouse. They deserve gruesome fates for their most illogical movie stupidity that they put on display.

I am my own uncle

That's it.......feel free to add something you feel is worthy to be on this list!

David Cronenberg + Denzel Washington = SOLID GOLD.

I'm sure you've all heard the news by now: David Cronenberg is working on a new film starring Denzel Washington and (possibly) Tom Cruise in a spy flick based on a book series by Robert Ludlum. It's called The Materese Circle, and there's not much I can add to this already bad ass piece of news, except to tell you all that David Cronenberg is one of the greatest living directors of the past two-plus decades. Seriously; Scanners, The Fly, Videodrome, Dead Ringers, Naked Lunch, yadda yadda - you get the picture. And his recent turn as a major Hollywood filmmaker has been nothing but fantastic. A History of Violence and Eastern Promises showed he has the maturity to make damn good drama, while still keeping the edge that made his name a staple among serious film lovers. I'm sorry if I'm not really telling you anything you don't already know; I just felt like sharing my enthusiasm for his work, and I can't wait for The Materese Circle to surface in theaters (whenever that is). Viva la Cronenberg!

Michael Bay, or Damien Thorn? You Be the Judge.

Having just watched the teaser trailer for Transformers 2, I felt it necessary to talk about it before my brain liquefies itself for fear of further misuse. As I've shown before, action movies can both thrill and invest your emotions. But sometimes, the thinking man gets too uppity, and someone has to bring balance back to the world. Enter Damien Thorn Michael Bay. With his beady little eyes and seasoned bartender looks, he might deceive you at first. Maybe he's just here to entertain, you might think. But that would be a fatal mistake on your part. With no bones about it, his only goal is the retrieval of your $10.00 and re-appropriating your higher brain functions.

One of these does not belong with the other.

Back when I had the misfortune of sitting through the first Transformers film, I realized a deep truth: Michael Bay just doesn't give a shit. Despite anything I might say, his colonoscopies movies make an ass-load of money. It must have something to do with him catering to a certain, um, set of people. Surely, masturbation jokes while three-story-tall robots are hiding from a kid's parents in the middle of a fucking street has its place. But what kind of place is that? Probably the same place Jeffrey Dahmer and Hitler spend their weekends, but I can't verify my information. I'd honestly rather watch a Roland Emmerich marathon. That's a dirty lie, but still. My point is, Mr. Bartender takes everything that makes an action movie great, and promptly uses his martini shaker to mix a concoction of aqua-blue explosions and, well, more aqua-blue explosions. But now, there's also metal shit flying around during the explosions, and someone screams "Ahhhhh! Watch out!!!!"

"Does my face make me look douchey?"

I guess I can't complain too much, because his dirty bartender tricks won't dupe me out of my money any more. I mix my own drinks, thank you very much, and they usually involve a language he's probably never heard of. In closing, I hope everyone who buys Michael Bay's shit realizes that you're paying for the brand, not the actual contents of the bottle.

Horror Movie Remakes - The Cash Cow's Tits Are Raw and Bleeding.

I just finished watching the Halloween remake by Rob Zombie, and I have some things to say. First and foremost: why? Why remake this? The first problem with it is the fact that it even tries to humanize Michael Meyers in any capacity. Yes, I see the angle Zombie was going for. He became a monster because his childhood was shitty. That, and he had no sense of right or wrong - more so than most people with shitty childhoods. The first half of the film is about just how shitty his was, and that's all fine and dandy. But the second half is about the super-human freak of nature he became, and yes, he is a fucking monster. He might as well have been a demon from hell, and the way the film tried to ground him in reality only served to make half of the movie pointless. Which half that is depends on what you found more interesting. Myself, I prefer Michael Meyers to be the personification of pure evil, and he definitely embodies that to perfection in both versions. And sure, there's tits and lots of killing. In fact, my favorite parts were when he was a perfect storm of death and destruction. But again, showing him as a child with a mother he seems to love and a sister he doesn't want to kill totally goes against everything his character stands for. The other thing the first half ruins is all the tension the original film got so right. It spends so much time building up Meyers the person that when he gets shot 3 times from close range with a .357 magnum and keeps going, well, I just don't see why this movie even bothered with the character setup.


But that movie alone isn't what I want to talk about. The word for today is "remake." And more importantly, the question I want to ask is why the fuck are there so many of them? We all know how fond Hollywood is of taking other people's work, putting American actors in place of whoever was there first, and sticking it in theaters to make some dough. But are you really aware of just how many remakes there are of horror movies alone? No? Good, because I'm going to tell you. My list is probably far from complete, but I think it will give you a pretty damn good indication of just how creatively void the people responsible for most of these are. There are some good remakes on the list, but I included every remake of a horror movie I could think of, good or not. The list is also in no particular order. I hope you're ready:


The Amityville Horror
Friday the 13th
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The Fog
Halloween
Halloween 2
Last House on the Left
The Hills Have Eyes
The Hills Have Eyes 2
A Tale of Two Sisters ( The Uninvited )
Ringu ( The Ring )
Pulse ( Kairo )
Shutter
Ju-on ( The Grudge )
Ju-on 2 ( The Grudge 2 )
Dark Water
Dawn of the Dead
Prom Night
My Bloody Valentine ( 3D )
Let the Right One In
One Missed Call
When a Stranger Calls
Willard
Psycho
The Omen
Black Christmas
The Wicker Man
Premonition
The Hitcher
House of Wax
The Haunting
House on Haunted Hill
Thirteen Ghosts
Hellraiser
The Eye
Phone
A Nightmare on Elm Street
[REC] ( Quarantine )
Mirrors ( Into the Mirror )
Infection
The Birds
The Host
Long Weekend
Piranha ( 3D )
Poltergeist
Susperia
The Wolf Man


Holy fucking shit, that's 47 movies right there. And that's pretty much just what I could come up with on my own, plus a few I randomly checked up on, and sure enough, they were being remade. That's pretty goddamn bad when I can just randomly pick a horror movie out of thin air, and it's actually being done. I mean, seriously, this is fucking awful. Just look at all of this - this whole decade is full of mostly asstastic American ripoffs. It's really shameful in my eyes, and god knows how the studios dupe enough people over and over and over and over again to go see this horseshit. Can you name me one good, original horror movie to come out in the last 5 years from this country? And no, I won't let you count The Strangers, as that's pretty much based off of Ils (Them). So what the fuck? The latest taste of shit I got was when I watched the trailer of The Uninvited for the second time. Before doing so, I happened to skim through the synopsis, and what's this? Two sisters come back home from being in a mental hospital after their mother commits suicide, and creepy things happen? Dear God in Heaven, this day has finally arrived. Kim Jee-Woon's A Tale of Two Sisters has finally been remade, and now there's puke all over my keyboard. They didn't even have enough respect to keep its title. The Uninvited? Seriously? how about The Unoriginal, or The Unworthy? Do you know what I am right now? Uninterested.


And let me tell you another thing: Dario Argento and Alfred Hitchcock are off-fucking-limits. Period. Fuck whoever wants to touch anything directed by those two men. And Let the Right One In? The DVD for that damn movie hasn't even released yet, and this shit's already happening. Jesus, I think I just went blind in one eye. That just gave me an idea for an original horror movie, though. A man sees to many remade classics and goes blind. But instead of seeing nothing, his mind replays Psycho over and over, but its fucking Anne Heche instead of Janet Leigh. Oh, the nightmares that will inspire. And the argument that without these remakes, a lot of people wouldn't know about the originals is complete shit. Some of these movies aren't even 5 years old, so that's about all of that nonsense I want to hear.


We Americans need to get our fucking heads out of our asses and make some good horror movies again. Sam Raimi is trying, but he's only one man. One man who's going to show every dumbass suit buying up every license for every fucking film a thing or two. Drag Me to Hell is going to be awesome, and I can't wait to pay money to see it. On the opposite end of the spectrum, this weekend I'm going to go see The Uninvited Assfuck Fest for a review, but I'll be damned if I'm going to give them any money for raping me. I'm going to buy a ticket to Taken instead, and just go into a different theater. I'm still giving money to people I want to keep making movies, so I feel like Michael Meyers in a way - my conscience doesn't see the wrong in it.

THIS COUNTRY HAS LOST ITS SOUL.

I want a Swamp Thing remake dammit!

The re-boot....it's a popular trend in Hollywood these days. The Batman franchise got one....Superman got one...hell...even the Hulk got a new kick start only a few years removed from his first big screen outing. So why no love for my beloved Swamp Thing? Second tier heroes like Iron Man are also getting the hundred million dollar movie treatment. If Iron Man came to the bayou to fight Swamp Thing....he'd just get stuck in the mud and his balls would rust. Wolverine has a new flick soon to be slashing up movie tickets near you....and if that adamantium plated meathead tried to cut off Swamp's arm...he could just re attach it...or instantly grow a new one. He's pretty much the coolest super hero ever.....period.

For those not in the know......the Swamp Thing comic was created in 1972 by Len Wein.....and has continued off and on for several decades. At one point, writer Alan Moore (of Watchmen fame) took the reins for a spell and wrote some of my very favorite storylines for the character. The book follows Alec Holland..brilliant scientist who is transformed by his own experiments into the Swamp Thing. The series has him fighting evil and seeking to regain his human form. He doesn't have any type of special body armor. Nor does he speed around town on a nifty tricked out motorcycle. Hell...he doesn't even have a costume. He's just a big pile of living, muddy, mossy, shit. The Swamp Thing has super human strength coupled with the ability to communicate and control the world's vegetation, but the neatest thing going for him is that there are these swamp potatoes growing on his body that you can eat......and get really high. Totally organic swampy psychedelic bliss baby.

pass the potatoes please.....

Can you just imagine a new movie version of Swamp Thing made with today's special effects? He could be fighting a desperate battle against whatever evil nemesis the screenwriters throw at him...then all of the sudden it seems like he's going to lose.......he quickly shoves a power potato down the bad guy's throat and all is right in the world. No other super hero in comics or film has this ace up their sleeves! I usually favor practical FX over CG these days....but seeing a swamp trip done proper on film would justify the use of a computer.

in-a-gadda-da-vida-honey!

For now, all us fans of the mean green plant machine have is a low budget effort from 1981. I think they had their hearts in the right places getting Wes Craven to direct. This was pre Elm Street, but he was fresh off the success of Last House on the Left and Hills Have Eyes so it was the right choice when considering the dark nature of the comic books. Fans of Adrienne Barbeau can rejoice. She takes center stage as a feisty action heroine sporting excellent cleavage and an 80's curly afro. Actor Louis Jourdan (he was the Bond villain in Octopussy) holds his own as the immortality seeking Dr. Arcane. Sadly, the titular character played by stuntman Dick Durrock leaves something to be desired. It's not that he does such a bad acting job....you can just tell that he's wearing a silly rubber outfit that wrinkles every time he moves. Not a good idea for such an action heavy film. At one point during a chaotic scene, there's a hole in the suit and you can see the guy's blue jeans underneath for a second....unacceptable! When Arcane transforms into a monster in the end and the two titans battle....it's no better. I couldn't even find a picture of this terrible creature creation to post, but let's just say Arcane looks like something from a bad episode of Power Rangers. I read that they spent three million dollars on this film and you can tell it was not on the costumes.

the 1982 film poster showed promise...

Dick Durrock as Rubber Suit Thing did not....

Hollywood continues to produce new Spiderman and Fantastic Four sequels every year (same shit...different summer), but hopefully one day a major studio will get their head out of their ass and give the swamp devil his due. Swamp Thing's material is very unique and in the right hands with the right budget.....we could get one hell of a super hero romp. Hey......I can dream can't I?

My take on the whole Watchmen/Fox ass-fuckathon.

With the news of Fox and Warner Bros. reaching a settlement that could probably fund my retirement 40 years early, I'd like to take a moment to explain why I think Fox can have a nice warm cup of shut the fuck up.

First of all, they've had the license for this goddamn property for a long, long time. If they were going to make a move before my unborn grandchild bites the dust, they were sure taking their sweet time with it. I'm sure a lot of studios have projects that get shelved for a number of years, but this is fucking ridiculous. On the flip side, I guess we can all be thankful they didn't turn it into a shitty Saturday morning cartoon to air alongside their X-Men show(which I like a lot, but Watchmen would have blown shit). Still, the relief that comes from knowing something great wasn't turned to ass doesn't change the fact they COULD have made it great. Wolverine sure looks great, though. Good job on that, Fox, because everyone worth a shit knows X-Men: Last Stand was stellar.


As far as the legal issues are concerned, yes, Warner Bros. had to know this was coming. They didn't have any right to make this movie, and being a money-grubbing, artistic black hole of a studio, Fox saw their free ride gravy train pulling up right on time with a big blue man riding shotgun. Obviously, this could have turned out to be shitty for everyone, but did you honestly think Fox wanted to outright stop the production and release of Watchmen? What money was there to make in that? If the movie never came out, they wouldn't be able to get a huge settlement for doing nothing, while someone(probably low on the totem pole at Fox) wondered at what point he thought it was a good idea to join a company with the temperment of Ebenezer Scrooge and the output of a past-his-prime Uwe Boll. But hey, Wolverine is doing some re-shoots, so that must mean they're taking it seriously. Strange timing, don't you think? Fox gets some inheritance cash and Hugh Jackman gets to do some more acting. Hmm....


I'm not bagging on Wolverine for any particular reason, mind you. It's just the only thing I can think of that's being released by that crap hole of a company. I hope it's a good movie, and Hugh Jackman is bad ass as Logan. They even made a great pick for Sabretooth, so that's two points for them. Subtract 1000 points for being lazy bastards with their hands out, and their final score is, like, way negative. Math isn't my strong suit, but it sure is theirs.

Does Heath Ledger's Joker deserve the last laugh?

On the one year anniversary of his passing....Heath Ledger is nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of the joker. Let me be the first to say that I thought he was a great talent with a body of work that started with teeny bopper crap and ended with more meaty roles worthy of his promise as an actor. I do however feel that we shouldn't give him the golden dude just because he's dead....especially when there are other actors on the nominee list whose careers could benefit by winning the best supporting actor nod.


Consider Robert Downey Jr. for a moment. Here is a guy that has fought his own personal battle with drugs and alcohol and lived to tell the tale. His rise back to the creme of the acting crop is feature film worthy itself. Yes, the extreme method actor Kirk Lazarus that he plays in "Tropic Thunder" is ridiculous, but is it more so than a guy playing a comic book character with green hair and messy clown make up?

Downey Jr. as Kirk Lazarus playing Sgt. Lincoln Osiris

Or what about Josh Brolin? His performance as Dan White in "Milk" gives us an interesting glimpse of the man who in the 70's assassinated gay rights activist Harvey Milk. Surely this insight into a piece of history that many people were perhaps not aware of should be considered when deciding.

Brolin and Sean Penn in "Milk"

In the end, I just don't want it to be a sympathy win for Heath. I want the academy to truly feel that it was the performance of a disturbing anarchist on the screen in "Dark Knight" that takes the statue. If they decide the Joker is better than a white guy playing a black guy....or someone playing a historical figure then I'm ok with that. Rest in peace Heath. (comments very welcome)

Understanding the Icons: Contemporary American Film

I've spent a lot of time on this site talking about foreign films. I've waxed poetic on German, Japanese, Korean, Chinese and Spanish films, with, if memory serves, only two American offerings. However, if you read my Gran Torino review, I think you could see my deep appreciation for the American Icon. And by writing this, I want to expand on the idea that American film has carved itself a huge piece of cinema history.


Let me start by describing one of the reasons our films have hit such a nerve with people all over the world. If you ever travel abroad, there might be a situation where you're talking shop with a film lover of another country. You might start by mentioning local directors, or what's hot at the moment. But as the conversation progresses, you find yourself digging into movies where you don't even have to mention their names to get a tremendous response from them. You might say something like, "Have you ever seen any of the Rambo..." "Ah, Rambo!" would be the response from the man of foreign persuasion, before you were even allowed to finish your sentence. He would then make a knife-jabbing motion with his hands, smile with that shit-eating grin that only someone who's seen something way too many times could make, and then give you the thumbs up. Good times.


That's what I mean when I say the American Icon. The actors or characters that don't need an introduction, no matter where you happen to be. The movies that, after you finished watching them as a kid, you would immediately head to the back yard to re-enact your favorite scenes, yelling and screaming while running back and forth with a stick or a piece of plastic as a substitute for whatever the famous weapon of choice might have been. This is what I point to when film snobs tell me American movies suck, and I'm not cultured enough to appreciate the finer things in life. Fuck you, my friend, where have you been for the last 30 years?


And with that sentiment laid out on the table, I'd like to present my case for understanding the great American Icons of the last few decades, and why they're still relevant today. I'll start moving forward chronologically, so as not to disturb the memories any of these characters or movies might hold for whoever decides to read this. I'd also like you to make note that you've probably already seen all of the movies I'm going to bring up. Otherwise, there's no point in writing this, and I can go back to watching my Ingmar Bergman box set, thank you very much. And if I miss something, it's not a slight, unless you bring up a movie so obscure or out-dated that Clint would happily tell you to get off his lawn.

Dirty Harry

Harry Callahan made being a loose cannon of a cop cool. The way he walked around with his shades on, telling people to make his day before blowing a hole in their chest will always hold a place in the hall of greatness. Say what you will about the sequels, but as a persona, Dirty Harry embodied the American bad-ass for over a decade. Personally, I hold the Dollars trilogy in the same high regard, but as a whole I'm guessing Harry Callahan holds a bigger place in peoples' hearts. Regardless, the films are classics, and nobody will tell you any different.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Indiana Jones was my hero for a long time, and he still is. Harrison Ford oozed charisma every time he moved or spoke, and he almost made me take up archaeology. If, in reality, that profession was the same as an Indiana Jones movie, there would be a lot more archaeologists, and the world would be a lot more awesome. By day he would fight the Nazis and take all their shit, and at night he would bed the women I lusted after. Yes, I wished I was Indy, but who wouldn't? They jumped the shark with the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but I blame that on the good ol' Lucas Curse, and not the character becoming stale. Seriously, fuck George Lucas. But that's a tale for another day. Right now, I simply can't tell you how much of an influence Harrison Ford had on every other high adventure film to be made after 1981.

First Blood

John Rambo was a loner, a survivor, and a distraught human being. I greatly sympathized with him as the po-dunk police parade tried to shit on his homecoming party. However, that was alleviated when he drove spikes through the knees of one of those assholes. He had it coming. Of the movies I've mentioned so far, this is by far the most serious. But it handles itself with class, and still holds up as one of the greatest action movies ever made. I really wish Stallone would have made more out of his career with more than just Rambo and Rocky, but as of late he's redeeming himself with damn fine resurgences of both franchises. Not much else to say about Rambo, except that I wear a bandana to sleep every night.

The Terminator

Much more could be said of Arnold Schwarzenegger's career, but to me, his defining moments are still encapsulated in the T-800 model terminator. In the original movie, he was the stuff of nightmares. His glowing red eyes would haunt my dreams for years, and I thanked God I was not the mother of the leader of the resistance meant to combat a robot apocalypse. In the sequel, he was the greatest ally you will ever know, as long as you gave him your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle. His strength and loyalty would never be broken, and the human race always stood a chance as long as he was around. Many would try to duplicate his on-screen badassery, including the third Terminator movie, but they all ultimately fail, and bow down to the greatness that is James Cameron's vision of our possible future.



There are more to speak of, for sure, but I think I've made my case for the American Icon thus far. People will be quoting lines from these movies until the end of time, and I'll take this opportunity to pride myself in being born in the country where these epic tales originated. That's all I have, and I can think of nothing more apropos than to end with the truth: I'll be back.

Anime Afterthoughts - Satoshi Kon, Round 1

If you've never watched any anime before, it's hard to say where you should start. A huge majority of them fall under one category, and if all you've been exposed to is the usual shonen fare, I could forgive you if you tipped your hat and said "Good day, sir." There's a place for everything, and I happen to enjoy the occasional fluff, but that's not why I'm here with you now.


Satoshi Kon's body of work is so far removed from the adolescent male oriented, action heavy serials that it's almost a genre of its own. His movies have depth and meaning that rival anything Hollywood has to offer, and in a lot of cases, surpasses them. In this first round of conversation, I'll talk about two of his films: Perfect Blue and Paprika. While they're both wildly different in plot, their executions do bare a similarity, which I'll touch on in a moment. So without further adieu, I give you two examples of Satoshi Kon's excellence in anime:

Perfect Blue

Mima is part of a J-pop girl trio, who sing about the usual J-pop girl trio stuff, such as love, finding happiness, believing in yourself, yadda-yadda. But early on in the film, she decides she's had enough of repeating silly choruses and making cute faces, and decides to give acting a shot. She wants to be considered a serious actress, so she sets out to land a role on a murder mystery tv show. She gets the part, but one of the requirements is the inclusion of a rape scene, and her publicist/agent is none to happy about it. She agrees to do it anyways, but the ramifications are abrupt and unsettling. The ghost of her old self starts appearing to her, and she begins drifting in and out of a dream-like state, unsure of who she really is.


Throw into the mix a psychotic stalker who seems to be hanging around just about everywhere Mima goes, and you've got yourself a damn fine drama. I've seen comparisons made of this film to David Lynch, but honestly, Perfect Blue is much easier to digest than the "what the fuck is going on?" style Lynch is so fond of. However, there will be times you're not sure exactly what's really happening and what's in Mima's own mind. It's just not so damned out in space about it. Perfect Blue is really worth checking out, and I recommend viewing it at least twice before coming to any solid conclusions about the film's turn of events.

Paprika

Paprika starts off inside the mind of a man. In his dream, he shifts between a circus, a scene out of From Russia With Love, a Tarzan movie, and finally something from his own past. When he wakes up, we find out that his dreams are being monitored and recorded by a device called the DC Mini. The purpose of this device is to help therapists and psychologists better understand the minds of their patients. A noble effort, indeed, but soon after the therapy session, a DC Mini is stolen and all hell breaks loose. You see, the device that was stolen had no security protection installed, and whoever operates it can go in and out of the dreams of whoever is using a DC Mini. As more and more people start going insane, it's up to the creators of the DC Mini to find the thief and undo whatever damage they did.


Apart from the great story, the visuals become more and more stunning as the dreams of many people begin to mix and grow. There's a character in the film who, if they were ever to do a live-action adaptation(I hope they don't), should be played by Max Von Sydow. The resemblance is uncanny, and you could compare the character to Von Sydow's Burgess in Minority Report. It's a fun ride, and has the added bonus of making you think about the ramifications of technology on society.

As I said before, these films share a common trait: the blending of reality and dreams. They handle it in vastly different ways, and it's a testament to the brilliance of Satoshi Kon that he's able to make two films about the same subject, yet come away with pieces that stand on their own two feet.


In the next installment, we'll have a look at Satoshi's Millenium Actress and Tokyo Godfathers. So let me know what you think of Perfect Blue and Paprika, and hopefully you'll stick around for round 2 of Anime Afterthoughts, unless you've gone on a Miyazaki binge or something. Which again, I could forgive you for.

Some people don't like reading subtitles. I'd like to help.

I can understand why subtitles can be a barrier for entry some people just can't get over. You don't read them fast enough, and by the time you figure out what the hell's going on, you've missed the next three scenes of the movie. I feel your pain, and I'd like to make a few recommendations that might accustom you to the multi-tasked requirement of watching foreign films. These few selections are either light on story and someone will get punched in a few seconds anyways, or the pacing is such that you won't be hitting rewind after every scene.

Anything by Jackie Chan

All of his movies pretty much rely on his stunt work and acrobatics, and the plots are usually throwaways. Not every time, but you can usually count on him to slide down the side of a building, through a ring of fire down onto a bed of coals, then proceed to drop-kick someone through a pane of glass into a display made entirely of Legos. And 90 percent of the time his character's name is Jackie. Go figure.


PTU: Police Tactical Unit

A Chinese film by director Johnnie To, it's about a dipshit detective who loses his gun one night while he's out being a dipshit. His Police Tactical Unit friends decide to help him save face, so they go on the hunt for the missing firearm. Things happen at a slow enough pace to where you should be able to keep up, but it doesn't drag or make you spill your beer in your lap from falling asleep.


Ichi the Killer

Welcome to the batshit-insane world of Takashi Miike. Ichi the Killer is a Japanese yakuza film, and in it you'll find tongue removing, hot oil(or something) being poured on someone's back, limbs being heinously sliced, and so much more over-the-top craziness I can't list it all off the top of my head.


Pan's Labyrinth

From the director of Hellboy, this Spanish drama centers around a young girl trying to cope with family situations while in the midst of an on-going war. It has the same visual flair of Hellboy, but it's a lot richer in content. If you like anything by Guillermo Del Toro, I guarantee you'll enjoy this.


Nosferatu

The remake by Warner Herzog of the black and white classic. If you find black and white silent films are just not your bag, then definitely give this a try. It stays within the general story arch of the original, while adding a little more character depth. And if you haven't seen anything by Warner Herzog, this is as good a place to start as any. He's done so much shit, it's almost unbelievable.

And so ends my recommendations for the subtitle-handicapped among you. I hope you give these a try, and who knows, you might start to find some really good films as a result. Happy hunting!

Paul Newman : A Life Worth Remembering.

Once in a great while, an actor comes along whose talent not only makes them famous, but when it's all said and done, defines an era. With a career that spanned fifty( ! ) years, Paul Newman has taken his much deserved place among the list of movie giants. The first film I ever saw of his was The Color of Money. I thought Tom Cruise was great, but "Fast" Eddie Felson was the real anchor of the film. It lived and breathed with him. I hadn't seen The Hustler at the time, so I didn't have the same appreciation for the character I have now, but I knew I was watching a legend at work. Over the years, I've seen him inhabit the roles destined for greatness; the ones that another fifty years from now will still be watched and studied in film classes all over the world. He's worked with the likes of Alfred Hitchcock, George Roy Hill, Sidney Lumet, Martin Scorsese, the Coen brothers -- the list goes on and on. His filmography reads like a greatest hits of the last half-century, and I feel priveliged to be able to say I was alive when one of history's greatest talents was still working. And while his passing was sad, indeed, it affords me the honor of going back through the years and showcasing those films that left such an indelible impression on me. And with that said, I present just a handful of his greatest moments in the hope that someone new to his body of work can find and appreciate it.

Somebody Up There Likes Me (1956)

In his first real breakout role, Paul Newman plays Rocky Graziano, a street punk turned professional boxer. James Dean originally had the role, but his death opened the door for Newman to take it and make it his own. And he did just that, playing Graziano as a right bastard of a kid who doesn't care about anyone but himself. He gets into fights, runs from the cops, and basically tries really hard to piss off anyone within earshot. Eventually, through all his antics and jail stints, he winds up enlisted in the military. Not being one to handle authority very well, he goes A.W.O.L., and after picking up a few low-paying boxing fights for a time, gets thrown back in jail for desertion. It's from that point on Graziano matures a bit and tries to make a name for himself with his fists. The acting of the supporting cast isn't universally great, but the story and the fact that it's based on a real person more than hold it above water. Newman does some great character work in this film, and it paved the way for this next selection, made three years later.

The Young Philadelphians (1959)

Much is made about Capra films and how they teach moral lessons everyone can learn from. But while Capra prefers to use a sledgehammer, this film employs the strokes of a paintbrush. Newman's Anthony Lawrence is a law student from a good family, whose working his way through college and, eventually, up to practicing with a law firm. He's a genuinely good person, and all throughout his college and early career, we see him try to help his friends with whatever they need while not resorting to dirty chess, as they say. But everything he's worked so hard for is challenged when someone he cares about gets into serious trouble. Suffice it to say he's thrust into a make-or-break case, and his career -- his life -- are at risk. This is one of my favorite early Paul Newman films, for several reasons. His subtlety is on full display, if that makes any sense, and the story is gripping and heartfelt the entire way. There's not one big, moral decision to ponder; his everyday life is filled with small choices that, as he continues making them, flesh out his character and add genuine heft to the dark road he has to travel across. Highly recommended.

Pocket Money (1972)

Pocket Money is the story of Jim(Newman), a broke but honest cowboy, and Leonard(Lee Marvin), his hustler friend. Needing money, they make a deal with a shady character to heard some cattle across the country. They find out just how shady their new business partner is when they start bringing the cattle, but promises made to them aren't exactly honored. The film mostly concerns itself with watching Jim and Leonard try to buy the cattle, find places to keep and transport them, and get back to collect their hard-earned checks. Newman and Marvin make a fantastic duo, and Marvin gets most of the film's funniest bits. The way he talks to and about other people is hilarious a lot of the time, while Newman plays it more straight. It's definitely not a heavy piece, but it's fun and you're always waiting for the next thing to go wrong for these guys.

Slap Shot (1977)

Where to start with Slap Shot? The Hansons!!! Newman is Reggie Dunlop, an aging player-coach for a hockey team facing dismantlement. As they travel to and from games, he tells the players that the team is close to being bought out so as to keep their spirits high and their game sharp. It's a comedy, and most of it comes in the form of the Hanson brothers, a trio of hockey thugs brought in to crush some skulls. I won't ruin any of their moments, but every time they're on screen, it's classic. Newman is fantastic as well, playing a man whose only way of existing is about to collapse from under him. He hides the truth from his players and from himself as well, because he knows what it would mean for their lives and for the town that supports them. This is one of the all-time great sports movies, and regardless if you're a fan of hockey or not, I guarantee you'll like this film.

Road to Perdition (2002)

In his last great role, Newman plays John Rooney, the patriarch of a 1940's-era Irish mob family. The story centers around Tom Hanks' character and his son as they try to find a solution to a fatal problem. Hanks is part of the mob, and when his son accidentally sees something he shouldn't have, he takes him on the road as a way of buying some time for them to figure out what their options are. While Newman isn't in the movie a whole lot, the scenes he's in are the most moving and brutally honest in the whole film. When he and Hanks sit down to play the piano together, it's like time stops and allows the moment to linger, knowing the possibility of what is to come. It's amazing to see him, after all these years, still able to command attention whenever he's on screen. It's a fantastic send-off to a brilliant career.


Before I'm done, I want to briefly mention the kind of person Paul Newman was. It's obvious with all the work he's done and money he's raised for charity that his intentions were never for himself. His generosity has helped a lot of people, and his legacy will live on. It's sad to lose someone who had so much to give to the world, but it's a blessing that we can remember who he was and what he accomplished with his life.


There are so many important films I didn't cover in the preceeding paragraphs, but my goal wasn't to write a laundry list of his films. Instead, I wanted to show a glimpse of what his diversity and range truly entailed. I'm sure you've never seen at least one of these films, and if reading this inspires you to seek it out, then I've accomplished what I set out to do. It's almost hard to believe it, but there are people who have never even heard of Paul Newman. He ranks among the upper echaelon of legendary artists, yet to some, his name doesn't ring a bell. So yes, almost selfishly, I want you to watch at least one Paul Newman film. Or maybe take a film class at a college somewhere -- I'm sure they could point him out to you.

An old Denver tradition...

I always hear about how "The Alamo Drafthouse" in Austin Texas is the greatest place to see a movie in the world. It has a rabid fanbase that caters to almost everything a film-geek could ever want. Admittedly I'm a little jealous, but we've got something pretty awesome here in the rockies for the celluloid faithful. "The Mayan"!

Located in central Denver, "The Mayan" boasts the finest offerings in independent film. It's not the most comfortable way to see a movie. The local mega-plex offers ample parking and those big comfy stadium chairs, but there is a certain magic that happens once you fight the traffic and make the effort a trip to "The Mayan" requires. The lights go dark and you realize you are about to watch an unusual film in a theater full of like minded film buffs. Bliss!

Originally built in the 1930's, it has one main auditorium sporting the Art Deco Mayan Revival art style it was named after and two smaller theaters on the second floor. You can enjoy an adult beverage in the cafe, or go visit one of the many neighboring bars and restaurants afterwards. The entire street it's located on is chock full of interesting vintage clothing stores and art galleries to get your culture on. "The Mayan" also has something "The Drafthouse" does not....it has remained in the original building since opening decades ago which only adds to the cool factor. Suddenly I realize...I'm not so jealous anymore!

WHAT THE HELL IS GREEN PEOPLE SOUP?

Unless you are a hardcore , low life, couch potato movie junkie like myself...you probably will not get the reference. But if you are...then sit back, relax, and take in all great things GREEN PEOPLE SOUP. It's all about the cinema that I have come to cherish over the years...not just the good..but...the bad and the ugly as well. I can praise the genius of Orson Welles and Citizen Kane's use of ground breaking camera techniques...but I will also bow down to the awesome alter of Megaforce!...Perhaps I may rant about how nobody went to see David Fincher's Zodiac (and shame on you if you did not) or I just may be pissed off about why I can't find a copy of the Sword and the Sorcerer on DVD...you just never know what ingredients will be tossed in for your reading pleasure. Now let me pour you a steaming bowl....cause soups on!!