John Gulager's Next Horror Movie Revealed: Marathon Man.

In late 2012, Dimension Films will be releasing Marathon Man, a horror movie unlike any we at GPS have ever seen before. Directed by John Gulager (Feast, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds, Feast III: The Happy Finish, Pirahna 3DD), it will tell the tale of a psychotic marathon runner who gets his rocks off by doing two things: running and killing.

Breaking News: John Carpenter is Still Alive.

I was minding my own business this morning when someone bumped into me in the street. He almost spilled my frappuccino vanilla bullshit, so I was about to punch him in his stupid face. Then I saw who's face it actually was. As it turns out, it was John Carpenter, who is still alive.

Test Screening For Live Action "It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" Goes Horribly Wrong

It was all trick and no treat that's angered parents about the live action version of "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" during a recent test screening. The beloved kids classic has been changed into a horror story for contemporary audiences, but the filmmakers never tipped their hand about the tonal shift. The story of Peanut gang members Linus and Sally awaiting the arrival of the Great Pumpkin on Halloween eve remains the same, but in this version, the titular spirit will be dealing out death instead of candy. The family demographic was targeted as several hundred invitations were mailed out, but the parents and children who showed up were completely terrified about what they saw unfolding on the silver screen after the lights dimmed in the theater.

James Wan "Really, Really Sorry" About All Those Saws.

Director James Wan may have been able to make a pretty great career for himself after helming the original Saw, but in an exclusive GPS interview, he comes to terms with the fact that he's responsible for overseeing six more iterations of the horror franchise. "I'm really, really sorry, you guys. I didn't plan ahead this far; I thought it would be a one-off deal," the horror maestro said when confronted with his own printed-out IMDB producer credits. Wan also added, "Look, if I'm going down for this, I'm not going alone. Go ask Eli Roth why he had to make Hostel, like, less than a year after I did Saw. I mean, c'mon. Talk about riding coat tails. Oh, and by the way, just because you have Edwige Fenech in your movie for ten seconds, it doesn't mean you just made a giallo. Sorry."

Paranormal Activity Re-releasing on Blu-ray with Literally Hours of Added Footage.

In Paranormal Activity, Micah Sloat couldn't stop filming everything in front of his douchebag face. As you might have guessed, there was a lot more footage than what was released in theaters, but the blu-ray and DVD have already been available for some time. Apparently, Paramount feels now is the right time to unload the newest blu-ray version of the film, entitled "Paranormal Activity: The Full Cut," onto somewhat-suspecting horror audiences across the country. New additions include a ten-minute-long scene where Micah brushes his teeth while flexing and the exciting drive home in rush-hour traffic after purchasing his new camera.

Zombie Filmmakers Brace For Witty Title Shortage

The positive reviews have been pouring in for the indy zombie flick "Juan of the Dead," and would be filmmakers are now scrambling to milk any remaining titles that pay homage to George Romero's classic "Dawn of the Dead" from the undead teat. "There's still some goodies floating around out there," one insider informed us. "The well of zombie title wit hasn't completely dried up yet!" We at GPS initially struggled to come up with our own clever Romero tribute titles, but found that there are indeed a few more lurking at the bottom of the brain barrel.

Phoenix Jones Kicked Off Set of The Avengers for Assaulting Robert Downey Jr.

We reported on Tuesday that Seattle's best-known crime fighter, Phoenix Jones, was set to appear in Joss Whedon's The Avengers. Earlier this morning, however, Jones was seen being escorted from the Disney studio lot after getting into an altercation with Robert Downey Jr. He and Chris Hemsworth were in the middle of filming a fight scene when, out of nowhere, Jones came sprinting into frame, wildly shooting pepper spray all over the place.

Charles S. Dutton Signs On to Die in Another Horror Movie.

I don't know who to blame here, but Charles S. Dutton, the guy who died in Alien 3, Mimic, and Legion has set himself up to get horrendously murdered by a giant monster yet again. Dutton was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman for the actor was able to clarify a few things for us. "Firstly," said Dom Derple, Dutton's agent,"I can't divulge the name of the film or who Mr. Dutton will be playing. All I can tell you is that he'll let your guard down with his honest portrayal of a flawed, yet lovable man you just know is going to get his guts ripped out by hideous claws and teeth."

Avengers Trailer Premieres, Angry Mom Still Trying To Remove Stains From Geeky Son's Shat Pants

The trailer for Joss Whedon's hotly anticipated super hero epic "The Avengers" has finally appeared for comic book fans to gobble up online, but some folks weren't so happy about the geek-tastic spectacle. Susan Curdlethorp's teenage son Ben downloaded the trailer, shat his pants in delight, and threw his dirty tighty whiteys into the laundry hamper for her to clean later. Mrs. Curdlethorp is constantly having to stockpile underwear for her son anytime the geek world trembles with excitement, but is starting to grow weary of the arduous cleaning process involved in the aftermath. GPS has more on the Curdlethorps, and we've got the infamous pants-shitting trailer after the break!

Phoenix Jones to Appear in The Avengers; Gratuitous Pepper Spraying to Ensue.

As dawn approaches, so does the official trailer for Joss Whedon's upcoming superhero extravaganza, The Avengers. The public might think they know what to expect from the movie, but GPS was able to uncover a little tidbit that the mainstream press has yet to pick up on. Phoenix Jones, America's favorite superhero-crime-fighter-guy, will be making some sort of appearance in The Avengers. The extent of his role has yet to be determined, but for those of you clamoring for more info, we have just that after the jump.

Teen Murdered On Elm Street, Parents Blame *Elm* Tree Of Life

***EDIT*** This post is now new and improved thanks to our friend Dylan@ manilovefilms.com . I sincerely apologize for my witty ineptitude. There clearly should have been an obvious "Elm Tree" joke associated in a post about "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Tree of Life" Thank you Dylan.

A teenage girl was found brutally slashed to death in the Elm Street community, and police can find neither a suspect nor motive for the brutal crime. "At this time we are baffled by this vicious act of violence, but we continue to make progress as the story unfolds," investigators said. An insider has leaked word that homicide detectives are looking to steer suspicion towards the parents, but Ted and Beulah Crappleberry are steadfastly maintaining their innocence in regards to the murder of their daughter Cindy. GPS was able to speak with the Crappleberrys and gain some insight on what went on the night of Cindy's slaughter.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Apologizes to Maria Shriver with Giant Bronze Statue of Himself.

*UPDATED*

On Saturday morning, in what some would call a misguided attempt at a romantic gesture, Arnold Schwarzenegger unveiled a gigantic bronze statue of himself right on the lawn of his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Maria Shriver. It was a media circus as the former Governor of California stood there, obviously pleased with his own ingenuity while caressing his bronze counterpart's ass.

Contemporary Goonies Too Lazy To Save Town From Foreclosure

The bulldozers are finally on their way to Astoria Oregon homes after a twenty six year wait. Real estate mogul Troy Perkins gets the last laugh, and the neighborhood lovingly referred to as "The Goon Docks" will get demolished and replaced with a multimillion dollar country club. The town was spared from the wrecking ball back in 1985 after some local kids who called themselves "The Goonies" unearthed the treasure of the infamous pirate One-Eyed-Willy. The resourcefulness of these plucky kids became the stuff of legend, but it seems their contemporary counterparts lacked the drive and resolve to save their home when they had the chance. Another pirate treasure map was found in the attic of the Walsh home that promised the riches and spoils of one of Willy's lesser known crew members Drunk Ass Jack. The money from Jack's treasure could have boosted Astoria's flailing economy and re-established its reputation as a thriving town, but the map disappeared and found its way into the hands of Perkins and his corporate lackies. GPS set out to unravel the mystery of Drunk Ass Jack and the new Goonies who apparently now say die.

Will Hunting Shouldn't Have Gone to See About a Girl; Doesn't Like Them Apples.

Back in 1997, Will Hunting was a hot commodity. Tech firms were clamoring to throw money at his giant, immature brain. He could solve highly complex, theoretical physics problems with one hand while writing rhythmic, technically flawless concertos in the other. If you've been paying attention, I'm sure you've noticed the conspicuous lack of his face all over Time magazine for the past 14 years. Why is that? The answer is, simply, Skylar.

Willy Wonka Under Investigation for Unsafe Working Conditions in Candy Factory.

Willy Wonka, the world's largest candy magnate, is facing a federal investigation into the working and safety conditions of his candy factory, which have been called into question by a series of accidents resulting in the deaths of at least two people. The investigation was prompted when Claus Spreckels, a local sugar freak, fell into a giant vat of chocolate and was summarily processed and turned into part of Wonka's latest candy line, called Sugar Me! Luckily, the situation was contained before the chocolate bars made their way into the homes of school children all over the city. That wouldn't exactly have been a golden ticket.

Ridley Scott to Release Director's Cut of Bloodrayne; Uwe Boll Loves the Free Money.

Ridley Scott, the legendary filmmaker who has given birth to such classics as Alien, Bladerunner, and Gladiator, announced today that he will be releasing a director's cut of Uwe Boll's seminal masterpiece, Bloodrayne. In a press release, Scott said, "I'll be shooting a few extra scenes with the principal cast and also cobbling together whatever crap I can from the editing room floor. It's a big floor. And messy. Shit's everywhere."

Terrence Malick Falls Asleep During Tree of Life Screening; Nobody Seems to Notice.

Terrence Malick was caught snoozing over the weekend during a special screening of  his latest film, The Tree of Life, which is about the majesty of the sun as it makes all metaphors possible and Brad Pitt wearing a fedora while beating his kids or something. GPS found the director after the event, and his explanation for his heavy eyelids isn't what you'd expect. On second thought, maybe it is.

Tom Six, Director of Human Centipede 2, Opens Up About His Shitty Ideas.

We were recently able to have a nice sit down with Tom Six, the director of the forthcoming horror film, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), in order to find out what inspired him to write such gross ass shit.

"Well," Six said, "it didn't start out as gross ass shit. The stuff I was coming up with was bizarre, but not quite at the level The Human Centipede turned out to be. I didn't really have any good ideas, to be honest. It took me around ten tries before I nailed it. But, man, all that hard work on stupid, stupid ideas really paid off."

Donnie Darko Turns Ten, People Still Don't Know What The Hell It's About

October 26th marked the ten year anniversary of Richard Kelly's bizarre cult classic "Donnie Darko." A decade later, fans and critics of the film still cannot say what the hell the movie is about. Darko is a beloved gem here at GPS, but we too are befuddled and unable to describe any sort of coherent plot summary. There's something about a guy in a creepy bunny suit, a fallen airplane engine, and Patrick Swayze is a pedophile........after that.....we're lost. GPS learned that a team of scientists at M.I.T. led by Dr. Abhay Gupta are constantly studying Darko's labyrinthine structure so that future generations can watch the film without being stupefied. We also caught up with some of the actors involved in the production and asked them to help us solve the Darko plot dilemma.

The Face of Wilford Brimley Haunts New Trailer for The Thing (2011).

Here at GPS, we were a little surprised that the usually enterprising blogosphere missed out on a massive payday when the latest trailer for The Thing hit the internet. In it, there are several scenes of human copies transforming into their true monster selves. Inexplicably, however, every single shot featured Wilford Brimley's face instead of the actual characters in the film.