Pirates of the Caribbean 5 Fast-Tracked; Captain Jack Sparrow Re-cast as Villain

For those of you who can't wait to see what shenanigans Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow will get into next, well...too bad. GPS is reporting exclusively on the newest installment of the mega-franchise, which will see a major re-tooling of its principle cast.

Former Captain America Trainer To Reveal Steroid Use In Explosive New Tell All Book

Barry Bonds may have shamed America's favorite sport, but Captain America is threatening to disgrace the reputations of our country's naturally gifted super heroes as allegations of steroid abuse are coming to light. Former trainer of the star spangled avenger and author Mitch Frumpshank will soon be revealing the secrets to Cap's success in his new tell all book "Juicin Cap's Ass" hitting store shelves this summer. With a new bio-pic about his life hitting theaters and recent acceptance into "The Avengers" super hero club, a scathing record of his training regimen could not have come at a more inopportune time.

Book Of The Dead On Kindle Afflicts Millions Of Users With Dead-ites

The Necronomican Ex Mortis (roughly translated as Book of the Dead) has recently been one of Amazon.com's bestsellers for their popular Kindle e-reader, but reports are coming in that millions of users are being subjected to dead-ite terror after purchasing the title.When speaking certain passages from the book aloud, readers risk the possibility of Kandarian demons consuming their bodies and souls. Amazon is in complete damage control mode now as they try to wake up from the PR nightmare that has ensued.

Nicholas Cage Collects Paycheck; Picks Up Another Scottish Castle.

Still reeling from what can only be described as stellar sales of the theatrical release, DVD, and Blu-ray releases of Drive Angry 3D, Nicholas Cage has, yet again, collected another paycheck. Despite Cage's recent financial misfortunes, the seasoned actor has purchased a new castle in the Scottish Highlands.

Michael Bay to be dragged to Hell by Lamia in 3 days

People often say good things come in threes. "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is number three in the franchise. Top of the line 3-D filming equipment was used during production...... and after the third day of the upcoming holiday weekend, director Michael Bay will be dragged to Hell by the Lamia for unleashing it onto the viewing public. Going back to work after celebrating the 4th of July just got a little easier, but what chain of events has led to the sudden rejoicing of summer blockbuster fans everywhere?

Breakfast Club remake to actually showcase teen diversity this time

The 1985 Brat Pack classic usually conjures up fond memories for those who have seen it, but the powers that be at Universal studios don't seem to share the admiration anymore. A remake for "The Breakfast Club" has been greenlit, and movie execs are chomping at the bit to update the tale of social diversity amongst teens. True fans cry blasphemy, but the filmmakers are promising that this won't just be a quick cash grab for a creatively bankrupt Hollywood. So what will be different this time?

Crystal Lake Closure On 4th Of July Upsets Unlikable Teens

A recent string of fatal incidents at Crystal Lake has proven to be too much for the woefully understaffed police department to handle. The authorities suspect foul play and consequently, the popular vacation spot has been forced to close its shores for the upcoming 4th of July weekend. This is troubling news for a group of unlikable teenagers who will now be forced to change their vacation plans at the last minute.

Gymkata 2 Confirmed; Kurt Thomas to Reprise Role.

Click on the poster to see the full size.

It's been 26 years in the making, but it looks like Gymkata 2 is finally becoming a reality. Green People Soup sat down with the writer, director, and star, Kurt Thomas, to find out what kind of shape the project is taking, and when filmgoers can expect to see his ass-kicking routine hit theaters. More after the jump.

Elm Street preschool fails background check after live in gardener discovered

It's bad news for the Badham Preschool after a recent background investigation revealed there to be  unacceptable conditions for the young students who attend there. Prospective clients Marge and Keith Turner had almost settled on the Springwood Ohio school  for their five year old daughter Kimberly, but decided to do some homework on the institution first. Badham has typically been a well reputed business in the popular Elm Street subdivision, but that could quickly change now as details of the report emerge.

Harry Potter Fundamentalists Await Series Rapture

Rapture expert Harold Camping may have recalculated the end for this October, but the serious Harry Potter fans know better. In anticipation of the final film in the series "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2," a sub-section of die-hards have split from the main fan club and migrated south to a compound in northwestern Guyana. In the weeks leading up to the end, an organization calling themselves the New Order Luminaries Involved in the Franchise End or N.O.L.I.F.E. will spend their time celebrating the universe inhabited by the fictitious wizard.

Man Defeats Wishmaster with First Wish.

A New York-area man on Sunday beat away the advances of a centuries-old, malevolent demon, and Green People Soup was hot on the heals of the story as it broke. Antonio Rossi, a Brooklyn native, was walking home from work at around 7pm, when a shrouded figure with the "voice of Burgess Meredith" approached him, slinking out of an adjacent alleyway.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Trailer Impressions

The first full fledged trailer is out for the next iteration of the "Planet of the Apes" franchise and the fans are buzzing with anticipation. I've watched the trailer several times now and just wanted to post some thoughts on my own personal reasons to be excited about where the filmmakers are going with the material. Hang on tight....it looks like we're in for one hell of a roller coaster ride folks!

Culture Spotlight - Harry Potter Interview

June 3rd, 2036

4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey - Once a place of great importance, the house at this address now stands in almost total ruin. The front yard resembles a briar patch, and the mailbox flaps lazily in the wind from being broken in two. The front door is ajar, and stray cats roam in and out at will. In Green People Soup's 25 years of tracking down and talking with former cultural icons, this is one of the saddest sights I've ever had to describe. Standing next to me is Harry Potter, who some of you might remember from that time he pointed a stick at a bad man in, like, 1999.

Green Lantern hopes to shine a whole new light on sarcasm

As audiences prepare for the super hero sci-fi extravaganza "Green Lantern" to hit the summer movie screens, anticipation is even higher for its lead Ryan Reynolds. The 34 year old actor is hoping the summer tentpole film will showcase his ability to portray sarcasm. Reynolds has been a star on the rise for several years now, but feels that this will finally be the film where he can prove to the public that he has the skill set to play a sarcastic prick.


A PR rep inside the Reynolds entourage has recently stated that they feel he just hasn't had enough opportunities to engage in playful mocking banter with other actors. "We feel the material has been there in some cases, but for whatever reason, the powers that be have failed to maximize his sarcastic potential." The Reynolds camp even believe that Hollywood is intentionally stifling what could be a signature trademark for the young thespian. "Conspiracy might be stretching it a little, but look for yourself and you'll see a pattern," says the PR rep.

When looking back at some of Reynold's earlier work, one can indeed detect the machinations of sarcastic censorship at work. One insider who wished to remain anonymous has recently been quoted as saying, "just look at his work as Deadpool in Wolverine.....I mean...he had all this witty dialogue prepared beforehand and they went and took away his fucking mouth!" Perhaps there's something to the paranoia after all.

As Deadpool...no mouth..no sarcasm..no problem

Stories from Ryan's previous film "Buried" are now starting to unearth. An associate close to Spanish film director Rodrigo Cortes states, "Rodrigo knew this guy wanted to try and find the humor in suffocating to death, but felt he had to literally bury those instincts." We can only wonder what kind of film we might have had if Reynold's was allowed to hit the sarcastic pedal to the metal.

Sarcasm stifled again...this time by coffin

Reynold's feels that the sarcasm and heroism should go together like peanut butter and jelly. "Look at what Christian Bale did in Batman," the actor remarked. "The guy sounded like he was trying to expel a corncob from his anus when he talked.......sheesh.....have a little fun will ya? I mean....Adam West did!" The actor firmly believes that his fans are going to see something fresh in his performance as Green Lantern. "Just wait and see........the serious guy of the past is gone with this one.....I'm gonna really let my hair down and have a good time with this material."

The release date for "Green Lantern" draws near, but only time will tell if audiences can accept a more unique performance from Reynolds. It may be a stretch, but if the box office light truly shines brightly, we can expect great things from the star's future work.

Is Magic a Part of All Human Anatomy?

For centuries, we as a species have wondered what the limits of our bodies are. The questions range from how far our physical attributes can take us, to whether or not our mental capacity is tapped out. Are we more than the sum of our parts? Fear not, GREEN PEOPLE SOUP patrons; Albert VonBaren is here to answer your every burning question. Why, you ask? Because he has found a way to examine, rigorously test and quantify the amount of magic that is available for use in all of us. The answer might both surprise and shock you. Or not. But either way, the results are in. As in, science has answered the age-old question: can we exact physical change on the world around us using our mind alone?

Find out the answer after the jump.

Dr. Albert VonBaren, a neuroscientist at Oxford, has repeatably demonstrated where and how magic is used in the human body. But first, before we get into the meat of his findings, lets recap Dr. VonBaren's academic study and career output.

Born in Austria, Albert VonBaren was interested in the sciences at an early age. By the time his 12th birthday rolled around, he had written a half-dozen dissertations on the esoteric and metaphysical meanings of life and death. By 18, he had become a published author, with his New York Times best-selling book, entitled "Chemistry and Free Will: Are They Compatible?" affecting the minds of approximately 2.5 million readers. To say that neuroscience is his specialty would be to disregard his years of study in various other disciplines, and would also necessitate a slight on his character. He is a genius of envious heights. I only present this information as a kind of guide to understanding that whatever scientific evidence he presents, it is most likely true in every sense that we as humans understand.

Albert VonBaren, age 23; two years after he emigrated from his native land, Austria. Computer science was a hobby of his since he can remember. The wood paneling and mid-level phone jacks prove his authenticity.

Before we're able to understand where magic comes from, we first need to understand a basic fact of life: every person is imbued with spiritual energy. The quicker we grasp that concept, the better. And if we were to listen to Dr. VonBaren, the spiritual energy necessary to affect physical change in the world around us is, in fact, "something that changes within the parameters of mental comprehension." That is to say that the more we are in tune with our capabilities, the more physical change we are able to manifest. Therefore, according to Dr. VonBaren, "It is not simply a matter of will; rather, it is a function of not only belief, but that of belief working in harmony with higher comprehension of magical ability." If it sounds over your head, that's because it probably is. Dr. VonBaren expounds on the previous statement by saying, "Not everyone is able to lift a table by looking at it. That much is obvious. The question I'm most interested in is, 'why?' And to that, I now have a definitive answer. The processes that take place inside the human body are vastly complex, and therefore, change according to certain criteria. What criteria, you ask? Well, first and foremost, mental focus."

Mental focus allows the physical to transcend its boundaries.

In order for GREEN PEOPLE SOUP to ascertain the truth of this claim, we enlisted the help of a random volunteer. The volunteer was given a table and chair, and his goal was to levitate both the table and chair using only his mind. Dr. VonBaren's role was to act as a guide; someone who could help our volunteer by instructing him in the ways of mental focus.

The initial outcome was far from encouraging. The volunteer tried to levitate the table and chair, but absolutely nothing happened. After about ten minutes of patiently waiting, Albert finally took him aside and offered his tempered wisdom.

When the volunteer re-emerged, he was able to lift the chair approximately ten inches in the air, unaided by any physical means. This was, to understate the occasion, incredible. Someone with no previous exposure to magical certitudes was able to physically alter the state of an object. When asked what he felt about how he performed, the volunteer simply stated "Albert helped me to see what my goal was." How profound is that?

Keep in mind the only thing the volunteer was able to lift was the chair. The desk was still firmly planted on the ground. Several attempts were made to at least make the table quiver; every attempt was thwarted by gravity and common sense. Ah, but gravity and common sense can be overcome. As witness to this, I submit Dr. VonBaren's second attempt at guidance. He pulled the volunteer aside again, and the results were self-explanatory. Within moments of coming out of the "spiritual huddle," our volunteer lifted both the table, chair, and a few pieces of my equipment into the air for 2 minutes, 39 seconds. To this reporter, obviously, the results were astounding.

Our volunteer's success was obvious. Physical matter doesn't hold a candle to mental focus and application.

Once again, Dr. VonBaren's wisdom and knowledge ruled the day. "It's not the simple act of trying; it is the complex act of believing and acting upon that certain belief." No truer words were ever spoken in this reporters midst, and I, for one, am forever indebted to Dr. Albert VonBaren for instilling within me the conviction and belief that I can change matter itself.

We took these results to Hogwarts, and when asked to comment, a school official said only that "certain people are able to use conjuration, charms and spells. I would like to see the hard data showing anyone can lift a table. I just don't think it's possible. I seriously doubt this volunteer would get into Hogwarts." Dr. VonBaren certainly disagrees, and even goes so far as to suggest litigation. "These results hint at the possibility of students not being allowed into Hogwarts based upon a false premise."



[editor's note] It is not the position of GREEN PEOPLE SOUP that anyone can physically affect the status of an object. Trying to do so can, and quite probably will, cause actual harm on the participants, and can also result in permanent disability. GREEN PEOPLE SOUP is not liable for any harm or injury acquired by any means inside of the aforementioned magical abilities. Attempt at your own risk.

Hogwarts Academy Under Intense Watchdog Scrutiny

Green People Soup was recently fortunate enough to interview Elena Ruggelmeyer, one of the founders of the world's leading anti-Hogwarts movement, What About the Children? In this, part 1 of our candid fireside chat, Elena let us and our readers know exactly why they believe Hogwarts does more harm than good, and what they aim to do about it.

Elena Ruggelmeyer - a pillar of community watchdogs the world over.

Green People Soup: Elena, if I may call you that, it's a pleasure to finally get a chance to sit down and talk about these important issues with you. If you were to read the newspaper, you wouldn't think anybody cared(this article will be published on page 18 of the Culture section). But to people like you and me, who actually care about the issues facing our children and their futures, there's nothing more important than making sure their education matters. So on behalf of the staff of Green People Soup, I'd like to congratulate you on your efforts to raise awareness of this potential problem.

Elena Ruggelmeyer: My mother named me Elena, so it's certainly fine to call me that. And it's a good point you make about the coverage this issue is getting; namely, none. That's really why I started What About the Children? - as a way to advocate their rights as citizens and as people. Clearly, your organization understands what we're about, and I'd like to extend the same gratitude you showed me a minute ago by saying I think what you do is fantastic.

GPS: That's great, I appreciate it. Now let's get down to business. To me, the number one issue is job security. Let's say you've been a student at Hogwarts all your life, and the time is approaching for you to go out and make your mark on the world. What's the job market like for graduates of Hogwarts?

ER: Pretty dismal, really.

GPS: Why is that?

ER: Well, for a number of reasons. For starters, there are only so many bounty hunter positions available at any given time. If you were to look at the wanted ads, for example, in the areas surrounding Hogwarts, you wouldn't see very many looking for magical protectors or hunters. Those jobs are already taken. So what I see happening is a lot of young, intelligent and talented people being led to believe this "school" is teaching them how to apply their skills in the real world, when in reality, it's just the opposite.

GPS: So they're basically being left high-and-dry.

ER: Exactly. It's not enough to excel at your craft. To be successful, you also have to be given, at some point, the opportunity to practice it. I suppose an ex-student could always turn to pure evil. I wouldn't recommend it, but there you have it.

GPS: So you're saying that the lack of career prospects could possibly turn good, caring people into evil wizards hell-bent on destruction of everything we hold dear?

ER: In theory, yes. The obvious example would be You-Know-Who. Ahem. I'm afraid I don't have the actual data on hand to back that up. I'll e-mail you a copy of it as soon as I return to my office.

This face is the possible future of your offspring.

GPS: I'd like that, yes. Moving on, I'd like to talk about the education Hogwarts provides its students. Do you think it's adequate?

ER: In some areas, yes. In others, it is disasterously under-funded. The quality of teachers any school would hope to attract generally relies on how much they are able to pay them, and Hogwarts is no exception. Just look at their Dark Arts department. They've been through how many teachers in the past three or four years? I've lost track. I think it's absurd to imagine any child learning proper defenses against the dark arts when they have to resort to secret meetings behind invisible doors where their actual teacher can't find them. What kind of a message does that send? It's ridiculous, and I can't believe we're the only ones who see it.

Not every student at Hogwarts can attend the secret Dark Arts Defense class.

GPS: You're certainly not, and I couldn't agree more. If I had a child at Hogwarts, I would expect them, after a year or two, to be able to lift me in the air and suspend me indefinitely while they made their escape. Not so. I've had friends' children try it on me; usually, they really suck at using magic.

ER: I think, generally, that's true. If I remember the statistics, only about 2 in every 10 students can be expected to properly invoke the Confundus charm or Flipendo jinx. That's unacceptable. If they were ever to find themselves in a situation where their life depended on correctly using these spells, they'd be done for. And as a parent, it's at least 10 grand down the toilet. Also the death of their child.


That's it for part 1 of our interview with Elena Ruggelmeyer, but stay tuned for part 2 shortly, as we've only scraped the tip of the iceberg as far as the issues at hand go. Hogwarts definitely has a lot of explaining to do, and Elena is here to help usher in that much-needed accountability.

Hogwarts Magical Fireworks Show Goes Horribly Wrong; Harry Potter Involved

by Green People Soup staff


Hogwarts, July 8, 9:42 a.m. - During the annual magical fireworks display, five students received third-degree burns, and one teacher's robe was mostly disintegrated when a rogue flame not only increased its size ten-fold in under a second, but then cloned itself many times over and surrounded the Quidditch stadium where the display is held. The flames then proceeded to attack people at random, prompting one very famous student to lend a helping hand.

More on the story after the jump.

An eyewitness saw Harry Potter construct a large water barrier, which he then used against the raging fires. "It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. It was like Moses versus the devil or something, I don't know. I saw flames everywhere, people were screaming, then the next thing I know, Harry is running around with his feet on fire, throwing these gigantic streams of water everywhere with his hands. Awesome," said Trig Lothbottom, a first-year Gryffindor student.

Trig Lothbottom, pictured, flees the burning wreckage of his stadium seating.

Thanks to Potter's heroism, the five students with deep burns will recover soon, and damage to the stadium was kept to a minimum. Even the teacher whose robe disintegrated was in good spirits after the flames died down. "Yea, it was a surprise, sure. I guess I'm lucky all that got hurt was my pride. My bum was waving in the wind for a good 20 minutes, you know. 12-year-olds saw it," said Arthur Whip, the visiting Herbology professor who was due to give a lecture shortly after the fireworks display. "I think I'll postpone that lecture, at least until I can get an Obliviate charm going."

The flame was first conjured on the stage next to the Fireworks Display area, and quickly spread from there.

Update, 3:30 p.m. - Hogwarts school officials have put out a press release concerning the fire and its possible cause.

From the press release: "We are all, of course, very grateful to Harry for acting in such a brave and selfless manner. However, our gratitude doesn't dismiss the possibility of this incident being related to the dark arts in some fashion. We are currently investigating this possibility, and if something does turn up, rest assured we will put our top wizards on the job. No one flames our stadium and gets away with it."

Job outlook dismal for Hogwarts graduates

A recent study has shown that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy is severely lagging behind other technical shools and colleges when it comes to placing graduates into the global marketplace. This does not bode well for aspiring wizards and witches who may have to consider going to learning institutions that offer more realistic career choices. Speaking anonymously, a recent Hogwarts student said, "I had a great time...., but upon graduation I quickly discovered that the curriculum offered there simply did not prepare me for a world where I can't even list the Petronas charm as a job skill on my resume!" The former student went on to say, "I've talked it over with my parents.....and I'm going to America to enroll in Devry University....it's just a shame that I have to start my education all over again from scratch!"

Anonymous student (top row, 2nd from right) at Hogwarts graduation

When asked about Hogwarts current downward trend, Harold T. Shapiro Chairman of Devry University responded, "It's true, year after year we get more and more former wizards coming through our doors here at Devry looking to better their marketability in today's competitive workforce because everything we do in and out of the classroom prepares our students to start or advance their chosen careers. Just look at the numbers and you'll see they don't lie." Shapiro sited that 92% of Devry graduates were employed within six months after graduation compared to 8% at Hogwarts.

Devry Chairman Shapiro

The convincing pie chart making its case

Supporters of Hogwarts have much to be concerned about these days when you add troubling stats on top of everything else that has been happening at the school of late. Staff and students can only hope that the negative spiral can stop or at least slow down before it is too late for this historic institution of the magically gifted.